My gds tell me i think highly of myself. These people who trigger me light up memories in me of what they’ve been doing and much more i care less to know about. What triggers me is what they would like to do with me if they had their chance or a series of different probabilities that comes from the energy they give off. but given the current outcome it is a far fetch and theyre so unaware it is alarming, i feel like they’re poking me repeatedly.
To deal with this reality of mine and theirs, I privately choose to imagine and play out violent fantasy fetish and sometimes act it out instead to help myself deal with how they are, because i don’t accept them. I think i want relief from how things are
i wanted a system of controlling myself to not be influenced by their energies and how things are. Some of them are murderers and child molesters and incredibly fked up people who normally go unnoticed
I wanted something more than creating distance, a deeper acceptance or something. In any case i am not the problem to be solved.
If I hear you correctly, you have some fears that they could take a "series of steps" to threaten you, and this perception makes you decide to fantasize handling them in your head? You wish to find your own movements that you can make to avoid feeling threatened? To me, what seems missing is a like a permanent sense of dominance and safety, but let me know if that is wrong. Attacking them in your head could be a subconscious idea that peace is not an option; the extent of the violence could be a from a belief that a "civil fight" won't be enough to stop conflict, but any conflict must go to mortal levels.
You should do a freeing working for this to remove both these people from your life (keeping good company is very important), but also to remove any psychological limits in yourself that could make you unsettled otherwise. As far as a series of steps you can take, I would highly recommend you keep up a strong AOP. I am sure you already do this, but it is possible you may not feel this enough, hence why I suggested a freeing working so that you are able to better "value" the protection gained by these actions.
For example, Algiz is a rune that helps us advance and learn from mistakes. Sowilo gives victory in all regards. Thurisaz gives martial victory. Similarly, Uruz gives propagation of the self, which also includes martial victory, but also healing and survival. Berkano gives security and hiding, like a home; any enemy will not be able to find you in that sense.
You can create a general AOP with Algiz and Sowilo and this guide you in an overall sense. Even if you have a negative event based on your circumstances, it would still block or prevent the worst of this which you may be fearing. Thurisaz and Uruz can be used to create a sense of dominance against enemies, both in mental/spiritual as well as material actions. The hostile positioning of someone against you, if that ever happened, can be undone and destroyed, even reflected back onto them. This is also related to the
warfare AOP, if you did not see that yet.
Anyway, I hope that helps. In my opinion, try to establish a few tangible items that give you security, then let these provide "evidence" for any more psychologically-healing workings that would help your soul better realize a sense of safety. This could manifest as feeling more comfortable with your own actions, or simply not as bothered by the negativity of others, because you know it can be handled.
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