ı want to commit suicide

[moon light]

I want to commit suicide
Hello, of course you'll say. Do you want to commit suicide because of adolescent adolescent issues? No, I'm a worthless individual, no one really loves me, I'm betrayed by everyone, I can't recover until my family, I'm very bad, I'm worthless, my self-confidence doesn't get better, no matter what I do, it doesn't get better, my life is a disgusting shithole so am I. I have no one, my family hates me. My lover cheated on me, my friends are constantly cheating on me, even my own brother is playing with my life, they are not small things, they are constantly slandering me, I can't stand it, no one loves me, above all, I can't love myself, I don't know how to love myself, I can't stand it anymore. I seem to have lost my mental balance. I feel terrible, terrible. Enough is enough, my life is such shit because of what I did. I hate myself. I want to rinse myself all over. The woman who raised me threw me out of her house. My own mother doesn't want me. I have no one, no one, everyone wants to upset me and hurt me, although I do not approach anyone with malicious intentions, I want to be loved, I want to be successful, I want to be an emotionless uncaring person, my only solution is to study, but my brain does not take it, it feels good when I cut my arms with a razor.

 

[Blitzkreig [JG]]

I want to commit suicide
Hello, of course you'll say. Do you want to commit suicide because of adolescent adolescent issues? No, I'm a worthless individual, no one really loves me, I'm betrayed by everyone, I can't recover until my family, I'm very bad, I'm worthless, my self-confidence doesn't get better, no matter what I do, it doesn't get better, my life is a disgusting shithole so am I. I have no one, my family hates me. My lover cheated on me, my friends are constantly cheating on me, even my own brother is playing with my life, they are not small things, they are constantly slandering me, I can't stand it, no one loves me, above all, I can't love myself, I don't know how to love myself, I can't stand it anymore. I seem to have lost my mental balance. I feel terrible, terrible. Enough is enough, my life is such shit because of what I did. I hate myself. I want to rinse myself all over. The woman who raised me threw me out of her house. My own mother doesn't want me. I have no one, no one, everyone wants to upset me and hurt me, although I do not approach anyone with malicious intentions, I want to be loved, I want to be successful, I want to be an emotionless uncaring person, my only solution is to study, but my brain does not take it, it feels good when I cut my arms with a razor.

Brother, this is a very difficult situation, but not an impossible one. If you are a new SS, you may not understand the spiritual solutions available to you, nor the astrological or other energetic factors responsible for what happened.

You ask to be emotionally uncaring, but this is not the solution. Rather, the solution is to experience what is going on, reflect, and repair your emotions and self-esteem. This is what the soul does naturally when it experience trauma, as it is forced to survive, like you are doing now. In the future, you will be able to draw on these experiences as a source of strength and understanding of emotions, but for now you must focus on survival.

It is important now that you journal and reflect on your experiences, both venting, but also evaluating what is going on and how you feel able to address it. Use it to question and define what you want out of life, drawing on your inherent skills and desires to define your worth and even life path. Furthermore, try to understand and resolve the problems you may have with others, and how you can begin to resolve them.

There are many free, online counseling services for suicide and you should make use of this without shame. That is what they are there for.

Lastly, I must ask what your spiritual status, as there are options you have, but you need to have some beginner levels of skill for the best success.
Anyway, good luck to you.

 

[Henu the Great]

Suicide will not resolve issues. At best, everything will be set back to be resolved later. In worst-case scenarios, you will accumulate more issues to resolve by choosing suicide. You are here for a reason, and the tools for your betterment are laid out before you. Even if progress seems very slow or even nonexistent, one must not give up as there is always a tomorrow to improve on today.

 

[Satan's Crow]

Spiritual pain is experienced alone and that's bad.
So any advice given to you is at some point directly proportional to your efforts.
Try making a Sun square with an affirmation about self-confidence.

"There are no hopeless situations, there are only hopeless people. I never lost my hope."-Atatürk

For now, our experiences are not pleasant. But there are good days ahead. I often panic too.

This world is for those who are eternally hopeful.

 

[moon light]

Suicide will not resolve issues. At best, everything will be set back to be resolved later. In worst-case scenarios, you will accumulate more issues to resolve by choosing suicide. You are here for a reason, and the tools for your betterment are laid out before you. Even if progress seems very slow or even nonexistent, one must not give up as there is always a tomorrow to improve on today.

LI can't take it I can't breathe I can't do anything I can't do anything, that's what hurts the most, so what will happen after I develop, where will I start everything?

 

[Aquarius]

You might feel like this is the end, but it's actually not. It's just the beginning of a beautiful life, you see, you have these problems, and you have two arms and a mind to fix them. If people hate you, let them hate you, be who you are, find a job, study, whatever. You say you can't study, you actually can, you just have to find the mental strength to do it. You have a shiny future ahead.

And remember that by suiciding it's gonna be worse. Your next lifetime you will be weaker and have the same problems if not more. The only solution is to fight and become stronger.

You have Satan and the Gods along your side, you have more than anybody could ever have.

 

[AFODO]

LI can't take it I can't breathe I can't do anything I can't do anything, that's what hurts the most, so what will happen after I develop, where will I start everything?

Look, you have to comprehend what Henu said.

If you commit suicide, your negative karma that makes your life horrible now, will in fact remain the same and your next life will end up the same.
Even worst, your soul can be traumatized by suicide, and your next life will even be worse. Let's not even mention if you are not dedicated.

The best you can do is working on yourself which you do right now. You are going in the right way, you only need to keep going. There is going to be uphills, traps, bears, and everything in the way, but as you get closer and closer, the less pain there will be.

 

[moon light]

You might feel like this is the end, but it's actually not. It's just the beginning of a beautiful life, you see, you have these problems, and you have two arms and a mind to fix them. If people hate you, let them hate you, be who you are, find a job, study, whatever. You say you can't study, you actually can, you just have to find the mental strength to do it. You have a shiny future ahead.

And remember that by suiciding it's gonna be worse. Your next lifetime you will be weaker and have the same problems if not more. The only solution is to fight and become stronger.

You have Satan and the Gods along your side, you have more than anybody could ever have.

Thank you

 

[Henu the Great]

LI can't take it I can't breathe I can't do anything I can't do anything, that's what hurts the most, so what will happen after I develop, where will I start everything?

From experience, the first step is to stop negatively affirming like you are exhibiting here. It all stems from there. How you think affects your whole being. Change that, and everything else follows.

 

[DarkAries]

There is no unsolvable problem, everything can be repaired or fixed with enough time and effort.

 

[Aquarius]

Thank you

Please, always vent here when you need to. Also ask Satan to guide you towards a better life, remember he is guiding you, you are walking.
We are always here for you.

 

[Havoc]

I want to commit suicide
Hello, of course you'll say. Do you want to commit suicide because of adolescent adolescent issues? No, I'm a worthless individual, no one really loves me, I'm betrayed by everyone, I can't recover until my family, I'm very bad, I'm worthless, my self-confidence doesn't get better, no matter what I do, it doesn't get better, my life is a disgusting shithole so am I. I have no one, my family hates me. My lover cheated on me, my friends are constantly cheating on me, even my own brother is playing with my life, they are not small things, they are constantly slandering me, I can't stand it, no one loves me, above all, I can't love myself, I don't know how to love myself, I can't stand it anymore. I seem to have lost my mental balance. I feel terrible, terrible. Enough is enough, my life is such shit because of what I did. I hate myself. I want to rinse myself all over. The woman who raised me threw me out of her house. My own mother doesn't want me. I have no one, no one, everyone wants to upset me and hurt me, although I do not approach anyone with malicious intentions, I want to be loved, I want to be successful, I want to be an emotionless uncaring person, my only solution is to study, but my brain does not take it, it feels good when I cut my arms with a razor.

I am sorry for your misfortune so far, you are just starting a new spiritual journey and I would recommend you stick around to see where that takes you.

I’m sure someone would be vary lucky to have you in their life you just need to stick around long enough to encounter them, it would be a horrible thing if the first half of your life was fated to be painful and the second half happy only for you to kill yourself and miss out on the good half yet to come.

 

[Alexandros Iowno [JG]]

Start loving yourself and looking out for yourself. You have to become a little bit independent in your emotional needs and gather enough self care to motion yourself in healing and growth. Your needs are valid and they need addressing, because they haven't been meet in the past, it doesn't mean you can't verify them now and in the future. It also means that they are not that important, but they need to go over the period of maturing and aknowlegment in life.

As for the suicide bit, that's just really a joke and nothing serious to think about. You want and desire life, not the things that destroy it, by your own words.

Your mother doesn't need to want you and you can be fine without her. Same goes with so called friends and so on. Find proper female and male elements in your life, friends, lovers, community and start anew. Mend your wounds and move on. Later in life you can make peace or whatever with your parents. It is best to leave things always in a polite and open manner, no matter the heartache.

 

[moon light]

Suicide will not resolve issues. At best, everything will be set back to be resolved later. In worst-case scenarios, you will accumulate more issues to resolve by choosing suicide. You are here for a reason, and the tools for your betterment are laid out before you. Even if progress seems very slow or even nonexistent, one must not give up as there is always a tomorrow to improve on today.

Thank you for supporting me and offering your advice, I am really touched. I realized once again that I am not alone.

 

[moon light]

There is no unsolvable problem, everything can be repaired or fixed with enough time and effort.

Thank you

 

[moon light]

For a begginner, you sound more advanced in astrology than most people here. Its a great start to work on your problems. Make a list of the 5 highest problems you have and focus on those one for a while.


Dont forget that Father Satan loves you. You came to his house and will help you out.

I will try this thank you very much

 

[moon light]

Please, always vent here when you need to. Also ask Satan to guide you towards a better life, remember he is guiding you, you are walking.
We are always here for you.

Thank you, I will remember.

 

[moon light]

I am sorry for your misfortune so far, you are just starting a new spiritual journey and I would recommend you stick around to see where that takes you.

I’m sure someone would be vary lucky to have you in their life you just need to stick around long enough to encounter them, it would be a horrible thing if the first half of your life was fated to be painful and the second half happy only for you to kill yourself and miss out on the good half yet to come.

Thank you very much for your support and logical explanations.

 

[moon light]

Start loving yourself and looking out for yourself. You have to become a little bit independent in your emotional needs and gather enough self care to motion yourself in healing and growth. Your needs are valid and they need addressing, because they haven't been meet in the past, it doesn't mean you can't verify them now and in the future. It also means that they are not that important, but they need to go over the period of maturing and aknowlegment in life.

As for the suicide bit, that's just really a joke and nothing serious to think about. You want and desire life, not the things that destroy it, by your own words.

Your mother doesn't need to want you and you can be fine without her. Same goes with so called friends and so on. Find proper female and male elements in your life, friends, lovers, community and start anew. Mend your wounds and move on. Later in life you can make peace or whatever with your parents. It is best to leave things always in a polite and open manner, no matter the heartache.

Thank you for your good information, I will apply it, you have guided me, thank you very much. To Satan be the honor and power forever

 

[Hp. Hoodedcobra666]

I want to commit suicide
Hello, of course you'll say. Do you want to commit suicide because of adolescent adolescent issues? No, I'm a worthless individual, no one really loves me, I'm betrayed by everyone, I can't recover until my family, I'm very bad, I'm worthless, my self-confidence doesn't get better, no matter what I do, it doesn't get better, my life is a disgusting shithole so am I. I have no one, my family hates me. My lover cheated on me, my friends are constantly cheating on me, even my own brother is playing with my life, they are not small things, they are constantly slandering me, I can't stand it, no one loves me, above all, I can't love myself, I don't know how to love myself, I can't stand it anymore. I seem to have lost my mental balance. I feel terrible, terrible. Enough is enough, my life is such shit because of what I did. I hate myself. I want to rinse myself all over. The woman who raised me threw me out of her house. My own mother doesn't want me. I have no one, no one, everyone wants to upset me and hurt me, although I do not approach anyone with malicious intentions, I want to be loved, I want to be successful, I want to be an emotionless uncaring person, my only solution is to study, but my brain does not take it, it feels good when I cut my arms with a razor.

Stay strong and don't do this thing to yourself. You are fine, despite of what people give you as input. You are in a clouded judgement right now but trust on us instead who tell you that you are fine.

The correct thing you want is not to suicide, it is this: "I want to rinse myself all over."

You want to clean your soul, and eventually, you will learn to love yourself, to care about yourself, and stop blaming yourself for all the negative actions directed towards you. The light and the hope will arrive, but you must live for this. Likely you are at the worst time right now and it will not be like this in the future, but you must persist now. You will succeed in life and you must not destroy yourself for what OTHERS are doing to you. Since you know you have a good self and good intents, you should live and you deserve to live.

We know you can do it, stay strong, right?

Also don't feel restrained to share whatever is going, because you are not alone.

 

[moon light]

Stay strong and don't do this thing to yourself. You are fine, despite of what people give you as input. You are in a clouded judgement right now but trust on us instead who tell you that you are fine.

The correct thing you want is not to suicide, it is this: "I want to rinse myself all over."

You want to clean your soul, and eventually, you will learn to love yourself, to care about yourself, and stop blaming yourself for all the negative actions directed towards you. The light and the hope will arrive, but you must live for this. Likely you are at the worst time right now and it will not be like this in the future, but you must persist now. You will succeed in life and you must not destroy yourself for what OTHERS are doing to you. Since you know you have a good self and good intents, you should live and you deserve to live.

We know you can do it, stay strong, right?

Also don't feel restrained to share whatever is going, because you are not alone.

I believe that everything will be better. Thank you very much, your words are very valuable to me.

 

[HellGate]

I believe that everything will be better.

I went through a similar phase due to various circumstances when I was at the beginning. However, I found strength through the guidance of the benevolent Gods. For instance, my mind lacked clarity, and my thoughts were consistently scattered. I was much more detached from things I shouldn't have been. Yet, things are much better now than before.

I have overcome it with the belief in my considerable potential. I thought it's no mistake that I live in this very moment. Imagine what a person can accomplish with two years of advancement if even one is sufficient to drastically change one's life permanently.

You can resolve many issues over time in SS, and numerous opportunities are available for us to do so. Knowledge and tools are bestowed upon us. I am a completely different person compared to when I first started, and there were many issues beforehand that, through sheer willpower, I addressed. Do the same, and you will achieve true meaning.

Always have faith in your abilities and persona, and don't let yourself down because of emotions.

 

[Blitzkreig [JG]]

...

Please do not share any natal placements about yourself, as others could potentially use this against you. This is all private information. Based on what you describe, your current situation shouldn't be seen as surprising, as it was likely to manifest given the existing karma from your birth.

I don't say that to make you feel bad, but rather so you quit feeling like it was all your fault, or all on you. In reality, these events were likely strongly fated to happen. However, you are here now and able to change this. Even the first 16 days of meditative effort has made a difference, although more work is required.

For specific solutions, look at the energies of Berkano, Wunjo, Sowilo, although a few others can apply. These pertain to the family love/feeling safe, love and happiness on a social level or even all levels, and empowerment of the self/self-love and the motivation to succeed, respectively. At a later date, you can plan to do a larger working where you employ these energies to start to change your life in a positive direction. Therefore, you should not feel hopeless, but rather focus on the hope and opportunity which exists for you.

 

[moon light]

I went through a similar phase due to various circumstances when I was at the beginning. However, I found strength through the guidance of the benevolent Gods. For instance, my mind lacked clarity, and my thoughts were consistently scattered. I was much more detached from things I shouldn't have been. Yet, things are much better now than before.

I have overcome it with the belief in my considerable potential. I thought it's no mistake that I live in this very moment. Imagine what a person can accomplish with two years of advancement if even one is sufficient to drastically change one's life permanently.

You can resolve many issues over time in SS, and numerous opportunities are available for us to do so. Knowledge and tools are bestowed upon us. I am a completely different person compared to when I first started, and there were many issues beforehand that, through sheer willpower, I addressed. Do the same, and you will achieve true meaning.

Always have faith in your abilities and persona, and don't let yourself down because of emotions.

Thank you for your support I believe that everything will be good for everything, every information is important to me

 

[moon light]

Please do not share any natal placements about yourself, as others could potentially use this against you. This is all private information. Based on what you describe, your current situation shouldn't be seen as surprising, as it was likely to manifest given the existing karma from your birth.

I don't say that to make you feel bad, but rather so you quit feeling like it was all your fault, or all on you. In reality, these events were likely strongly fated to happen. However, you are here now and able to change this. Even the first 16 days of meditative effort has made a difference, although more work is required.

For specific solutions, look at the energies of Berkano, Wunjo, Sowilo, although a few others can apply. These pertain to the family love/feeling safe, love and happiness on a social level or even all levels, and empowerment of the self/self-love and the motivation to succeed, respectively. At a later date, you can plan to do a larger working where you employ these energies to start to change your life in a positive direction. Therefore, you should not feel hopeless, but rather focus on the hope and opportunity which exists for you.

I will be more careful from now on Thank you, I will try to work

 

[Dragonheart666]

Awe...I did that once on here. And thank Satan! someone got after me for that.
And removed it.saved me from all kinds of trouble..

 

[EnkiUK56]

I want to commit suicide
Hello, of course you'll say. Do you want to commit suicide because of adolescent adolescent issues? No, I'm a worthless individual, no one really loves me, I'm betrayed by everyone, I can't recover until my family, I'm very bad, I'm worthless, my self-confidence doesn't get better, no matter what I do, it doesn't get better, my life is a disgusting shithole so am I. I have no one, my family hates me. My lover cheated on me, my friends are constantly cheating on me, even my own brother is playing with my life, they are not small things, they are constantly slandering me, I can't stand it, no one loves me, above all, I can't love myself, I don't know how to love myself, I can't stand it anymore. I seem to have lost my mental balance. I feel terrible, terrible. Enough is enough, my life is such shit because of what I did. I hate myself. I want to rinse myself all over. The woman who raised me threw me out of her house. My own mother doesn't want me. I have no one, no one, everyone wants to upset me and hurt me, although I do not approach anyone with malicious intentions, I want to be loved, I want to be successful, I want to be an emotionless uncaring person, my only solution is to study, but my brain does not take it, it feels good when I cut my arms with a razor.

Please dont

 

[moon light]

Awe...I did that once on here. And thank Satan! someone got after me for that.
And removed it.saved me from all kinds of trouble..

Can you tell me a little bit about how you prayed and what you did?

 

[Dragonheart666]

Moon light ❤ I was in that boat of misery as well, there was even times I hated myself! And even doubted myself,. Reaching out for help. On here
Because, I wanted the truth on what to do. And I didn't want to go and get help from some Christian psychiatrist. That is why I got on here and vented. And posted all kinds of crazy things. And made threads asking for help. When all I had to do is relax. And just go talk to someone. And now I'm doing okay and much better. Plus I'm doing the 40 day challenge. And its helping me in MANY ways. And I know you will over come this Darkness !❤

 

[moon light]

Moon light ❤ I was in that boat of misery as well, there was even times I hated myself! And even doubted myself,. Reaching out for help. On here
Because, I wanted the truth on what to do. And I didn't want to go and get help from some Christian psychiatrist. That is why I got on here and vented. And posted all kinds of crazy things. And made threads asking for help. When all I had to do is relax. And just go talk to someone. And now I'm doing okay and much better. Plus I'm doing the 40 day challenge. And its helping me in MANY ways. And I know you will over come this Darkness !❤

Thank you very, very much.

 

[Kitsunebi]

I’m late but I 100% agree with everyone here trying to help you.

Please DO NOT end yourself. You’ve made it to a very bright path in life which is here so make a use of everything this place offers you to be a better version of you.

There is more that life has to offer to those who keep walking no matter how many times or how hard they fuck up. You’ll get better man.

 

[moon light]

I’m late but I 100% agree with everyone here trying to help you.

Please DO NOT end yourself. You’ve made it to a very bright path in life which is here so make a use of everything this place offers you to be a better version of you.

There is more that life has to offer to those who keep walking no matter how many times or how hard they fuck up. You’ll get better mat

Thank you for your support and help

 

[Fuchs]

Beeing bottom down in your live, has the advantage it can only get better/up from now on.

Keep going up.

 

[moon light]

Beeing bottom down in your live, has the advantage it can only get better/up from now on.

Keep going up.

Than you

 

[Engineered Trasformation]

Sorry to say this, you are clearly a traumatized person ad you most likely suffered some kind of abuse in your chldhood (or past lives).
Self-hate, feeling unworthy, living a messed u life are all evident signs of traumas affecting the mind. Have a look to my previous posts and related thread where I talk about traumas, I am in a hurry now but most advices apply to most situations.

Two facts :
- If other people made you feel unworthy and bad, this is THEIR FAULT and NOT your fault.
- A desire for suicide is a way the mind uses to escape a sitation thas is emotionally unbearable. This is most likely due to a part of your mind, desiring to "break free", but this part of you cannot see the whole scheme. If you follow the advice, next life will be not better in any way. TALK to yourself like you would talk to another person. "Why do you suffer?" Ask to yourself. You may be surspired by the answer. Find a compromise with that "You" (if any, I think so) and agree how to go on in life for mutual benefit.
- Yiu have noone in your life? Much better, you have the Gods, and you will have few influences while starting a recovery path and plan. Just plan how to recover.

 

[Epiphany]

Suicidal urges can come from feeling a lack of control over yourself and your life. It can be a desperate urge to take total control, which is a major theme of adolescence. They fade with age.

 

[MercuryWisdom]

I know how you feel like. I felt like this a recent time ago. I also vented to HP and SS brothers.

They heard me, helped me, and supported me through that tough time.

I am beyond that now. I am actually doing better than ever with the support of the Gods and my SS brethren.

This feeling will not last forever and you’ll not be stuck like this forever.

I know what it means to hate yourself and feel worthless and life having no meaning and you having no purpose is the worst feeling ever. But these are complete lies and blasphemies. You shouldn’t and mustn’t hate yourself.

You don’t want to kill yourself you want to live your life. You want to fall in love and be loved, you want to be successful, you want to become the person you know you could be. That’s completely possible! In your hands and in your grasp! You just have to believe in yourself and go get it!

Hating yourself in some masochistic way can feel “noble”, “humble”, or somehow positive because you feel shame that’s a complete and outrageous lie you tell yourself. NEVER allow yourself to hate yourself! Only people who deserve to hate themselves are jews because they’re despicable creatures yet they narcissistically adore and believe in themselves. You are so much better you are a child of Satan and a part of an elite 0.0001% of the population of gentiles that have access to powerful, real meditation and magick. You also have access to prayer to the actual and REAL Gods. They have your back and you should have yours.

This is not the end, this is the beginning for something magnificent. To finally become the person you’re destined to be. Prove them all wrong, show them how amazing and powerful you actually can be. The best revenge is success and self-care. So I want you to have revenge on all those hurt you. Make your success as shiny and your flames as red as they hurt you.

Like a phoenix, you’ve experienced decay. Now it’s time to be reborn anew. Powerful, fiery, strong, wise, and unstoppable!

 

[moon light]

I know how you feel like. I felt like this a recent time ago. I also vented to HP and SS brothers.

They heard me, helped me, and supported me through that tough time.

I am beyond that now. I am actually doing better than ever with the support of the Gods and my SS brethren.

This feeling will not last forever and you’ll not be stuck like this forever.

I know what it means to hate yourself and feel worthless and life having no meaning and you having no purpose is the worst feeling ever. But these are complete lies and blasphemies. You shouldn’t and mustn’t hate yourself.

You don’t want to kill yourself you want to live your life. You want to fall in love and be loved, you want to be successful, you want to become the person you know you could be. That’s completely possible! In your hands and in your grasp! You just have to believe in yourself and go get it!

Hating yourself in some masochistic way can feel “noble”, “humble”, or somehow positive because you feel shame that’s a complete and outrageous lie you tell yourself. NEVER allow yourself to hate yourself! Only people who deserve to hate themselves are jews because they’re despicable creatures yet they narcissistically adore and believe in themselves. You are so much better you are a child of Satan and a part of an elite 0.0001% of the population of gentiles that have access to powerful, real meditation and magick. You also have access to prayer to the actual and REAL Gods. They have your back and you should have yours.

This is not the end, this is the beginning for something magnificent. To finally become the person you’re destined to be. Prove them all wrong, show them how amazing and powerful you actually can be. The best revenge is success and self-care. So I want you to have revenge on all those hurt you. Make your success as shiny and your flames as red as they hurt you.

Like a phoenix, you’ve experienced decay. Now it’s time to be reborn anew. Powerful, fiery, strong, wise, and unstoppable!

Thank you very much I'm touched you're with me I'll listen

 

[moon light]

Sorry to say this, you are clearly a traumatized person ad you most likely suffered some kind of abuse in your chldhood (or past lives).
Self-hate, feeling unworthy, living a messed u life are all evident signs of traumas affecting the mind. Have a look to my previous posts and related thread where I talk about traumas, I am in a hurry now but most advices apply to most situations.

Two facts :
- If other people made you feel unworthy and bad, this is THEIR FAULT and NOT your fault.
- A desire for suicide is a way the mind uses to escape a sitation thas is emotionally unbearable. This is most likely due to a part of your mind, desiring to "break free", but this part of you cannot see the whole scheme. If you follow the advice, next life will be not better in any way. TALK to yourself like you would talk to another person. "Why do you suffer?" Ask to yourself. You may be surspired by the answer. Find a compromise with that "You" (if any, I think so) and agree how to go on in life for mutual benefit.
- Yiu have noone in your life? Much better, you have the Gods, and you will have few influences while starting a recovery path and plan. Just plan how to recover.

Yess yesss Thank you very much

 

[Engineered Trasformation]

it feels good when I cut my arms with a razor.

I get back on this post as I usually have few time so I forgot to underline this point.
Self-damage is an expression of self-hate and is often done to "release tension", I mean, to discharge some emotion that would be unbearable. This is a clear sign of trauma, possible childhood abuse, and lack of self esteem. There is no need to damage yourself - listen - you own a body a mind and a soul that, thanks to Satan and the Gods, can become perfect and shining through many lifetimes of hard work. You own an amazing tool to Godhead so why should you damage it??
Traumatized and abused people often need to please someone as they have been forced to please their abuser in childhood, while childhood teachings remain in the mind are not easy to reprogram. Why do not try to shift the pleasing attitude towards Satan or your Guardian Demon? They are loving, they are caring - you will feel loved and cared if you treat them with respect. Satan loves humanity in its essence. Why don't you try to see them as you caregivers and try to please them? How? Taking care of yourself and your body. Yes, your Guardian Demon needs time and efforts to protect you, so why don't you please him/her taking care of yourself too? This is the minimum you can do for the Gods.
Do non treat you as a waste as you are NOT. Would a waste and unworthy person find the Truth on here?

You seem to be young, and your message reveals you seek attention and you want to be understood.
The Gods do understand you even before you talk to them.

You said, you want to rinse all-over. I know what this means and I acknowledged, I have been doing this for all my life without even knowing that, I have slowly changed things and changed my attitude towards life.
If you need a fresh start, do that.
Finding a new place (with new people, fresh environments, different streets, different shops, etc.), relocating, a new job, would be of great help. If something bad happened to you in a place, you will probably hate that place and local people too, as a projection of self-hate from he damage yu suffered. Look for a place you would not hate; people will not see you as you "were before" but as you "are now" - so this may help a lot while rinsing your mind. There is nothing to rinse anyway, as the DIRT is on your offenders and abusers, not on yourself as you think. Leaving much of this behind, can be helpful.