RED DAWN
Member
Hello everyone.
What brought you to Joy of Satan?
It is often argued that people find Satanism while in distress, for the most part I agree. If we lived a good life and never had reason to question how we did, we wouldn't. Perhaps we are most susceptible to trauma, for whatever reasons we had, which allowed us to find this place. I cannot and will not speak for all, but I will tell my own reason.
I first became interested in satanism at the age of 11 after years of psychological and physical abuse from my xian step father. I grew even more isolated and depressed for a few more years, until I reached my absolute breaking point at 14 where I decided I had nothing to live for and dedicated my soul to Satan with great hesitation. In late grade 9 I did a very stupid thing and tried to be some kind of "hero", getting myself blackmailed and ddoxed publicly. After this, I knew I could never leave Satanism even if I wanted to. No matter what I did from that day, I would be feared and/or shunned for doing something poorly that I felt was for a good cause. This blackmail is still online to this day even though I was a minor at the time, fortunately I was never arrested but I have no idea why. I don't know the full amount of damage this has caused to me, but it brought me to an even deeper despair; I could never have a "regular" relationship again and I gave up trying to. No friends, no lovers and no clear future. Anyone could google my name and find the worst thing I've ever done and I could never explain myself if confronted. I thought I was a good person, but clearly I couldn't be.
After my step father was deported from the country after I had mentioned it to other SS, I confronted my mother about it and she told me it was my fault that I never told her about it. I was furious and stole over 7000+ dollars in total from my family that actually probably did love me, but never in a way I had ever appreciated. I didn't care that people would value our genetic relation while sharing absolutely no common ground regarding anything else. That type of love was a lie. I stole the money in order to give it plus every cent I owned to a friend in need.
In my last semester of grade 11 I skipped school for 90 days straight and was never caught for it, again I have no idea why.
I decided I would get my life in order and do my best to get through grade 12. On the second day I saw a squirrel get ran over by a car. I saw it suffering and people refusing to acknowledge it. I grabbed the squirrel by the tail and brought it's head to the side of the road, placed it's twitching head on the curb and stomped on it. I didn't have the courage to see if it had died. I immediately had a panic attack and saw everyone had seen what I did. I knew they wouldn't understand, so I left. I never attended classes again afterwards. I skipped school until doing so was boring and then read in the school library until I had read everything even remotely interesting. By the time anyone seemed to care, it was almost the end of the semester. I was expelled for my absence without having a reason to be. I didn't care, but even today I still regularly have dreams related to high school and the people I use to know.
Do I regret it? Ya, I have a lot of regrets and I wish I could do things differently. I wish I could get the help I needed while I was still young, whatever that would have been exactly, but I know and accept it is far too late now. My isolation from society has grew exponentially ever since then, especially during quarantines and all of the nonsense of today. While along this path my vision of what I believed in at times fainted, I know today that everything I did was necessary to allow, even if just to attempt, to accomplish the things I've always aspired for. I could have lived my life as typically done and still felt as I sometimes do, as if I had a great weight of doubt and lack of direction.
I did not share the above to receive anyone's pity. I am for the most part at peace with my decisions. Instead, I present this information to give context as to what choices and situations brought me to where I am today in order to speculate which aspects directly correlated to my dedication to Satan and everything that followed. Was I treated badly because I was born differently, or was caused to become different through the early traumas I faced? I don't really know honestly, it could be either way. I wonder what level of trauma was necessary for me to become interested in Satanism. I wonder what level of trauma would be required for someone to become interested in Satanism later in life. I don't know exactly, but I believe trauma can be applied to a person in a specific way that would result in their interest in the occult generally. The problem of course would be that many can ignore or suppress their traumas rather than express it and seek methods of relieving it in healthy ways, though I suppose that's ignorant of me to suggest it. Still, I believe it is trauma, discomfort and pain that brings us to a deeper general understanding, and if we should not resist this understanding, it will ultimately bring us catharsis.
In my own conclusion, it is trauma that brings us to Satan, and it is our acceptance of our trauma that later allows it's release.
AVE.
What brought you to Joy of Satan?
It is often argued that people find Satanism while in distress, for the most part I agree. If we lived a good life and never had reason to question how we did, we wouldn't. Perhaps we are most susceptible to trauma, for whatever reasons we had, which allowed us to find this place. I cannot and will not speak for all, but I will tell my own reason.
I first became interested in satanism at the age of 11 after years of psychological and physical abuse from my xian step father. I grew even more isolated and depressed for a few more years, until I reached my absolute breaking point at 14 where I decided I had nothing to live for and dedicated my soul to Satan with great hesitation. In late grade 9 I did a very stupid thing and tried to be some kind of "hero", getting myself blackmailed and ddoxed publicly. After this, I knew I could never leave Satanism even if I wanted to. No matter what I did from that day, I would be feared and/or shunned for doing something poorly that I felt was for a good cause. This blackmail is still online to this day even though I was a minor at the time, fortunately I was never arrested but I have no idea why. I don't know the full amount of damage this has caused to me, but it brought me to an even deeper despair; I could never have a "regular" relationship again and I gave up trying to. No friends, no lovers and no clear future. Anyone could google my name and find the worst thing I've ever done and I could never explain myself if confronted. I thought I was a good person, but clearly I couldn't be.
After my step father was deported from the country after I had mentioned it to other SS, I confronted my mother about it and she told me it was my fault that I never told her about it. I was furious and stole over 7000+ dollars in total from my family that actually probably did love me, but never in a way I had ever appreciated. I didn't care that people would value our genetic relation while sharing absolutely no common ground regarding anything else. That type of love was a lie. I stole the money in order to give it plus every cent I owned to a friend in need.
In my last semester of grade 11 I skipped school for 90 days straight and was never caught for it, again I have no idea why.
I decided I would get my life in order and do my best to get through grade 12. On the second day I saw a squirrel get ran over by a car. I saw it suffering and people refusing to acknowledge it. I grabbed the squirrel by the tail and brought it's head to the side of the road, placed it's twitching head on the curb and stomped on it. I didn't have the courage to see if it had died. I immediately had a panic attack and saw everyone had seen what I did. I knew they wouldn't understand, so I left. I never attended classes again afterwards. I skipped school until doing so was boring and then read in the school library until I had read everything even remotely interesting. By the time anyone seemed to care, it was almost the end of the semester. I was expelled for my absence without having a reason to be. I didn't care, but even today I still regularly have dreams related to high school and the people I use to know.
Do I regret it? Ya, I have a lot of regrets and I wish I could do things differently. I wish I could get the help I needed while I was still young, whatever that would have been exactly, but I know and accept it is far too late now. My isolation from society has grew exponentially ever since then, especially during quarantines and all of the nonsense of today. While along this path my vision of what I believed in at times fainted, I know today that everything I did was necessary to allow, even if just to attempt, to accomplish the things I've always aspired for. I could have lived my life as typically done and still felt as I sometimes do, as if I had a great weight of doubt and lack of direction.
I did not share the above to receive anyone's pity. I am for the most part at peace with my decisions. Instead, I present this information to give context as to what choices and situations brought me to where I am today in order to speculate which aspects directly correlated to my dedication to Satan and everything that followed. Was I treated badly because I was born differently, or was caused to become different through the early traumas I faced? I don't really know honestly, it could be either way. I wonder what level of trauma was necessary for me to become interested in Satanism. I wonder what level of trauma would be required for someone to become interested in Satanism later in life. I don't know exactly, but I believe trauma can be applied to a person in a specific way that would result in their interest in the occult generally. The problem of course would be that many can ignore or suppress their traumas rather than express it and seek methods of relieving it in healthy ways, though I suppose that's ignorant of me to suggest it. Still, I believe it is trauma, discomfort and pain that brings us to a deeper general understanding, and if we should not resist this understanding, it will ultimately bring us catharsis.
In my own conclusion, it is trauma that brings us to Satan, and it is our acceptance of our trauma that later allows it's release.
AVE.
but anyhow, i became invested in Law Of Attraction ... and then paganism ... and then i kept seeing no results and kept having shit things happen to me.... so i thought maybe by embracing Satanism i would be powerful. I was more in a vengeful, bitter state of hunger for real power and knowledge, i easily abused it at times. And eventually i came across a certain instagram page about JoS, and I felt something just click inside me. Everything started to make sense and it still is. I am forever grateful for the gods for giving me a chance and guiding me. Hail Satan.
