Hey. I can see that relationships are very important to you, it's okay to crave a partner but you need to understand that you also need to take control of
yourself, that is the purpose of meditation in the first place.
I read your posts and I'm very concerned for you because I too know what it feels like.
We all have our own ways of coping, yours might be looking forward to finding a true soulmate and vapes/thc.
I always underline that shaming someone for clinging on to life with their coping mechanisms is just dehumanizing, it's absolutely fine to resort to that, what's important is that you are here and no one should ever tell you otherwise.
You deserve to feel happiness without even feeling a need for a partner, you deserve to love
yourself and accept yourself.
You're a good person and you don't deserve to feel this way.
It's hard, I know, and I'm not telling you to abandon the things that keep you living, but instead, to
slowly take control of your life.
Slowly start tapering the vapes/thc, less and less day by day, slowly but steadily. Don't force it, go by feeling.
Meditation will give you some of the willpower you need to try to fix your situation, I know it is extremely excruciating to keep on living but this will be your chance to get out of everything they've done to you. Nothing will control you anymore once you take charge of yourself.
It's completely fine to have doubts but please stick to the 40 day schedule, it's fine if you miss a day, just keep on going. Even if you feel like it's not working keep on doing it because it
WILL pay off.
Please also try doing a Sun square , it's for willpower and motivation, you will feel a lot better with more of that energy.
(
https://satanisgod.org/Satans_Squares.html) "KABALISTIC/MAGICKAL SQUARE OF THE SUN FOR EMPOWERING CHAKRAS, STRENGTHENING A DEBILITATED SUN, AND FOR HELP IN HEALTH AND OVERALL SPIRITUAL ADVANCEMENT RELATED TO THE SUN"
Try out laughing (genuinely) at the voices, letting them know that they have no control over you. Piss them off and make fun of them because the only thing they are thoughtforms, they aren't physical and they cannot hurt you. Affirm that and affirm that it's nothing compared to the pain you've faced because that is the truth. They can only feed off as much attention as you give them. Completely take control of them, you're the person in charge now.
This is the fastest way. After the 40 day meditation program continue with the daily schedule and start trying out the different meditations. (you can do the meditations during the program too)
It will get better, we're here for you.
