I was talking to the gods for as I don't have any way to communicate but working on it but Damn during the RTRs I felt so much push on me that I was getting sleepy and mind was wandering but kept putting my mind back in focus adding feelings to it so I can push more hatred onto them. Then after I was done with the ritual I felt the push go away and replaced with absolute happiness and lay on the ground and laughed felt joy for the first time in a long time