This is something I've struggled with for quite some time now, especially from my parents. By opening up about these things, I don't mean to play the victim or anything of the sort. I understand full well that there are many others who are suffering or have suffered more than myself. I just need some advice.
At around eight, I was given the option to live with my dad or my mom. I chose the latter, thinking of how my dad was at the time, rather lazy and playing video games all the time, I thought she would be the best choice.
Ages eight through fifteen, I gradually fell into the motherly role; practically, then literally, raising my half siblings and brother. It got to the point of school becoming an afterthought, oftentimes I would have to walk to school because I had to get them on the bus before I could leave. Taking care of them became a full time job, since we were receiving child support from my dad who was living in another state, it was easier. Easier in that I didn't have to rely on her for money or food, considering we lived near a grocery store.
My mom slept around, bringing multiple men over to the apartment, did drugs and drank. There were several incidents that I'm ashamed the children had to be around for. Thoughts of a future for myself seemed to dissipate. The only good thing that came of my time living with my mother was how fast I matured, learning what it took to take care of a family.
Eventually, much to my surprise, she let us, me and my brother, move with our dad. I can hardly say he changed, just as vulgar and gluttonous as I remembered him. He's different from my mom in that he doesn't ignore me, but he does take every possible opportunity to demean my intelligence, 'retarded' is thrown around quite frequently. He found out about my interest in Satanism about a year ago and threatened to throw me out if he found anything pertaining to it again.
Because of that incident I've been holding onto a lot of fear. I know I probably won't be able to advance as much as I'd like to until I'm living by myself, which may take a few years, especially with the recent inflation.
The absence of love in its most basic form, from parents, has definitely left its scar. I pray to Satan at night and I look up to Him, it's a reassurance knowing that I am loved and cared for, even if I can't see Him. However, it's been getting harder to focus on the positive, as I said with the inflation it's been difficult for my step mom to support us. My dad hasn't worked in two years and he still won't, even when the fridge is practically empty and his family needs money.
Love is such an important emotion and is something I haven't felt since I was a child. I have had to love and not be loved for so long now. I could just be being dramatic or getting too emotional, that's why I want your input. If I could get an honest answer anywhere, it would be here.
I haven't wanted to admit it, but I think I'm depressed. I hate seeing my slob of a father, my siblings go hungry and knowing there has to be something I can do about it, yet I'm still too afraid of getting found out to do it. What are your suggestions? Is love even something I should be worried about, or should I try to get my things together to get a job? Money spells are something I've considered but its the vibration I'm worried about, these walls are thin and there isn't anywhere I can walk to to do them.
I need advice from a different perspective.
At around eight, I was given the option to live with my dad or my mom. I chose the latter, thinking of how my dad was at the time, rather lazy and playing video games all the time, I thought she would be the best choice.
Ages eight through fifteen, I gradually fell into the motherly role; practically, then literally, raising my half siblings and brother. It got to the point of school becoming an afterthought, oftentimes I would have to walk to school because I had to get them on the bus before I could leave. Taking care of them became a full time job, since we were receiving child support from my dad who was living in another state, it was easier. Easier in that I didn't have to rely on her for money or food, considering we lived near a grocery store.
My mom slept around, bringing multiple men over to the apartment, did drugs and drank. There were several incidents that I'm ashamed the children had to be around for. Thoughts of a future for myself seemed to dissipate. The only good thing that came of my time living with my mother was how fast I matured, learning what it took to take care of a family.
Eventually, much to my surprise, she let us, me and my brother, move with our dad. I can hardly say he changed, just as vulgar and gluttonous as I remembered him. He's different from my mom in that he doesn't ignore me, but he does take every possible opportunity to demean my intelligence, 'retarded' is thrown around quite frequently. He found out about my interest in Satanism about a year ago and threatened to throw me out if he found anything pertaining to it again.
Because of that incident I've been holding onto a lot of fear. I know I probably won't be able to advance as much as I'd like to until I'm living by myself, which may take a few years, especially with the recent inflation.
The absence of love in its most basic form, from parents, has definitely left its scar. I pray to Satan at night and I look up to Him, it's a reassurance knowing that I am loved and cared for, even if I can't see Him. However, it's been getting harder to focus on the positive, as I said with the inflation it's been difficult for my step mom to support us. My dad hasn't worked in two years and he still won't, even when the fridge is practically empty and his family needs money.
Love is such an important emotion and is something I haven't felt since I was a child. I have had to love and not be loved for so long now. I could just be being dramatic or getting too emotional, that's why I want your input. If I could get an honest answer anywhere, it would be here.
I haven't wanted to admit it, but I think I'm depressed. I hate seeing my slob of a father, my siblings go hungry and knowing there has to be something I can do about it, yet I'm still too afraid of getting found out to do it. What are your suggestions? Is love even something I should be worried about, or should I try to get my things together to get a job? Money spells are something I've considered but its the vibration I'm worried about, these walls are thin and there isn't anywhere I can walk to to do them.
I need advice from a different perspective.
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