This may come from previous lives. But also from this one.
How have you been educated? The patterns you emotionally and psychologically receive from your parents in childhood, may shape your whole life by repeating themselves.
If your parents/caregivers or primary "idols" as a child wanted you to be perfect, you will spend the rest of your life trying to be perfect, unconsciously.
I perfectly know what it means, I spent years in a struggle to be the 1st and the best in everything, as I have been asked this since day 1 of my life. This creates very high stress and unacceptance of yourself, as you mention in your words. Physical illness may even arise from high emotional stress, and weakness. It's horrible feeling.
This is typical in xian families. They want to be "perfect" for their unexisting "god" , otherwise they will be wrong and sinners. This obviously never happens.
You say "I love myself but I hate the way I'm".
Ok this is a sign of high internal conflict, you mind thinks A and your emotions say B. Psychologists call this PTSD in its heavier forms, "post traumatic stress disorder". What is a trauma, if not living as a child in perpetual need of "being the best" while it is not obviously and always possible? This is traumatic and repeated, you feel "never enough".
You need to reprogram your emotional scale of personal value.
Who do you think is better ? A beautiful empty shell woman adorned in fashionable clothes and golden bracelets, or a physically more common woman writing on JoS about spirituality?
Can you imagine how big and precious is the value of being CLOSE to the Gods? 5-6 billions of people live on this planet. I think 20.000 people or a bit more write on this forum. A privilege for few gifted and smart people, I'd say. Very few, but of the higher value. How many golden adorned woman are there ? 50 millions ? 100? How many golden souls woman are here ? 10.000? Who has the higher value for the life on earth? Beatiful dolls or valuable SS fighting for spiritual freedom?
It's hard to redefine yourself. I am still far from being able to do this. But, for a few minutes from time to time, I realize how precious is my role as an SS in the world, and I love myself. Those moments are coming more often, and self-hate for not being "perfect" is fading with time.
I know how it feels to feel "not enough", but I later on realized, I am more than enough!
Spiritually, this may come from weak or damaged 2nd and 3rd chakras. Energies from the Sun are excellent to boost self-esteem.
This may also come from psychic vampires (possibly relatives) attached to your chakras, draining energies, and contributing to you feelings of being unworthy.
Do not hate yourself, this is not your fault. Whoever smashed down your perception of self value is at fault.
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