Question #5595: Perversion [Trigger Warning: Sexual Perversion]

[AskSatanOperator]

Firstly, I feel so shy. Even I feel so shy while writing that as an anonymous too, I feel shy and disgusting, I'm afraid of getting unfriendly answers too. I hope you won't think I am a bad spiritual satanist.

Spoiler: Trigger Warning: Incest

When I was 12 y/o male (I got into puberty at 11-12 y/o, I found Spiritual Satanism too when I was 12), I had my first wet dream, but the problem was I was having sex with my mother in the dream. This thing always affected me, I even tried masturbating thinking my mother, I felt strange and regret after it. But that regret wasn't so powerful because I didn't understand why Incestuousness (Incest) is a bad thing. I was thinking like that: "Two people in same family have sex with each other with their own will, why is it disgusting?" I was in terrible situation,

All people were thinking Incestuousness is a 100% disgusting thing but I was thinking "Why?". I didn't want to like (sexually) my mother, I thought about Incestuousness hours and hours, I was about to get crazy, but still I didn't understand that Incestousness is bad. I used to have friends in discord, I asked them why is Incestuousness a bad thing? They answered but again I didn't understand Incestuousness is a bad thing after their answers. Even I was surprised they answered this disgusting question. After like 1,5-2 years, I just naturally started feeling disgusting about Incestuousness, because schools got opened and I started communicating with other girls. Schools were closed due to Covid-19 quarantine and I never see else girl in start of my puberty except my mother. So, okay I solved that loving (sexually) problem about my mother.

But I kept having wet dream and the girl in my wet dreams always has been my mom. After every wet dream, I wake up I feel confused and start thinking like "If my mom comes to my bed says lets have a sex at the moment, I would do it." I am in that mood for like 5-6 minutes after waking up. And when I wake up completely, I affirm to myself automatically: "Stop nonsing, she is your mother not your sexual partner it is not natural etc." Every wet dream is confusing me like that, I don't like (sexually) my mother anymore, but after a wet dream I start wanting having sex with my mother and this is effect of wet dream.

I am 15 y-o now, I still have wet dream and I still see having sex with my mother in these wet dreams.

In the daily life when I'm at home, I sometimes look at my mother's body and I speak with myself like that: "Yeah, she is completely beautiful but I don't like (sexually) her, this body for my dad" but everytime I look her special areas in her body and tries to prove myself I am not loving (sexually) her, I say to myself: "Yeah, her special area (any sexual part of woman body) is beautiful, but I don't like (sexually) her.". But I regularly look at her body to prove that to myself, I don't like (sexually) my mother anymore. I feel like god/desses hate me because they think I'm a pervert.

Other problem is:

I was at the beach when I was 12. I went into the water and found a place that nobody can see what I'm doing, and I started masturbating looking at a woman which is 50 meters away from me. I wasn't thinking that is normal but I wasn't feeling like a pervert while doing it, so I consoled myself: "Okay buddy, but you have to masturbate at your home not in a public place like a sea". But I did it in the sea again 3-4 times too at the age of 12.

Spoiler: Trigger Warning: Sexual Perversion

Anyway, I was at my mother's work at the age of 13, I see a woman there, I was bored. So, I went to the toilet in that workplace, I masturbated visualizing this woman. After doing it, I consoled myself like: "Okay buddy, but you have to masturbate at your home not at public places' toilet.". I never masturbated again in a public toilet.

At the age of 14, I started feeling like a *******/pervent because of I wondered child **** when I was 11 y/o. I wondered it to see people having sex at my age when I was 11. Of course I searched it in Internet and I found nothing.

But at the age of 14, I always thought about child ***** as an obsession like "If I would watch it, I would like 4-5 y/o girls?". I looked at 10 years old girls while walking to school I told myself "Do I like them?" and I told myself: "Stop nonsing, of course you don't like them, they aren't appropriate for you. There is a level difference, you are an example big boy to them, not their boyfriend/sexual partner". I probably never been a *********, it is just an obsession probably. I don't think about it anymore.

But at the age of 15, so now, I masturbated again in the sea after 3 years and I really felt so bad due to I am thinking like "god/goddesses don't love me anymore and they think I am a pervert, I am a fully pervert that masturbates in public places". I am trying to relax myself about it, because I didn't show my personal areas to people like hanging out in the street as naked. I only went to a place far from people and masturbated. But I never was able to relax myself, I said to myself: "Look bro, you are so young and you might do some stupid stuff like that, just try to stop doing it. It is not perversion but it is not mature movement". But again and again after those affirmations, I can't relax myself so I feel myself pervert.

I wrote some stuff above, that kills my peace, that makes me think negatively all the day, I feel so obsessed and I need your help, Joy of Satan's Gentile People.

Just, I need to hear all of them are religious obsessions and I need to hear they come to my mind due to I don't do void meditation enough.

Am I a bad person or pervert?

 

[Engineered Trasformation]

OK. Please note, I experienced on myself similar problems like yours, so I talk by experience though I am not nor a psychologist nor an expert.
Also, I tend to over-worry about others being abused in their childhood, as I was; but frankly you show many signs of this possibility.

Having a strong sexual desire for other women and masturbating in the sea is simply lack of control on your desire, you are not "bad" for doing this,you simply let your unconscious desire come out without filtering and controlling with logical mind. This is indeed a common trait of people who suffered childhood abuse, as oversexualization is a way that the mind uses to keep you sexual activity up and running, instead of crumbling to zero (that may happen with heavily damaged 2nd chakra). Also men who are survivors from repeated family abuse may want to have sex in random places all of a sudden, as it happened in their childhood. Often the abuser, a close relative or father, takes advantage of situations in which the victim is alone, this may happen for short moments like when mother is out for shopping and the unfortunate kid is alone with father, in car washes, public toilets, in the sea. Wherever the abuser lead the victim to have sex (often oral or hand sex), this may stay in the victim's unconscious mind, so as an adult, the person may repeat this scheme. Willing to have sex with your mother is another red flag: an abused child by a relative builds the unconscious idea that having sex with a parent/relative is normal. So while growing, this can mix with mainstream sexuality and normal healthy desire in teenagers, and sexuality becomes a mix of both.

In the event you suffered childhood abuse (this is only a possibility), you will need a close guidance from your Guardian Demon to slowly fix the related issues. This is too personal to give you advices on here, also a skilled terapist may help but, again, choosing him/her through you GD guidance is paramaount, to avoid wrong therapist or worst jewed one.

If you are asking yourself what happens, and all of this seems emerging from your mind - as conscious mind often deleted memories of past abuse to protect own's life - you seem taking the path to recovery for internal soul pulse to heal.
I would do this, 1. in void meditation talk to yourself as if you were still a kid and ask "what happened to you?" 2. do a specific ritual to Satan or any Demon or your Guardian Demon to ask if you have been abused in this or previous life, to be sure. 3. Take steps according to your level of damage, read books on PTSD or Complex-PTSD , perfom Munka meditations to solve issues, experience healty sexuality when possible... this list is long and I have been guided step by step by a Demon, they know facts better than you and me.

Last but first ideed: any sexual problem you have now, any kind of abuse, violence, exploitation you may have suffered IS NOT YOUR FAULT NOR IT IS EVER POSSIBLE IT IS YOUR FAULT, IT IS THE OFFENDER'S FAULT UNDER ANY POSSIBLE LOGICAL, LEGAL, MORAL AND SOCIAL POINT OF VIEW!
You are very young so taking the time to heal problems early in life, will lead you to a much better and long life, worthy and healty, Many people find out those problems late in life, so they spend most of their life in the darkness with no solutions. Even if you have been unlucky and suffered - I alays feel sad for each person harmed - you may be "lucky" as you find out this early in life. Also you are a Satanist from a very young age, Good! You have all your life in front of you, you can build it under Satan's protection, few people had this privilege.
Problems and hang-ups may can be healed.

 

[AFODO]

You can use Munka to obliterate malicious sexual karma.

 

[Ĥl·lĥæ]

You need to dedicate your life to fighting it.
Your priority is not Kundalini, M.O and a lot of Wisdom.
Your priority is to put an end to this thing because it's serious.

I'm guessing you haven't started or taken your meditations seriously, so I'm going to say the same old things that everyone already knows.

First you need to figure out how to make an AoP that inhibits this energetic distortion and protects you from this sexual part.

Then you need to learn how to do basic meditation. Concentration, breathing and the present moment - you seem to be a person who thinks a lot, your mind is much more than thought, concepts and logical formation. You need to experience the world without the filter of the mind, which you learn through breathing - turn off your mind and stay conscious by observing each breath.

Thirdly, you will cleanse your soul. But do it the right way, little by little, with 3 breaths in each chakra for a year or more.
Change the fire mantra if you need to because the mind loses the comparison, so the feeling of cleanliness is undone.

 

[AskSatanOperator]

OK. Please note, I experienced on myself similar problems like yours, so I talk by experience though I am not nor a psychologist nor an expert.
Also, I tend to over-worry about others being abused in their childhood, as I was; but frankly you show many signs of this possibility.

Having a strong sexual desire for other women and masturbating in the sea is simply lack of control on your desire, you are not "bad" for doing this,you simply let your unconscious desire come out without filtering and controlling with logical mind. This is indeed a common trait of people who suffered childhood abuse, as oversexualization is a way that the mind uses to keep you sexual activity up and running, instead of crumbling to zero (that may happen with heavily damaged 2nd chakra). Also men who are survivors from repeated family abuse may want to have sex in random places all of a sudden, as it happened in their childhood. Often the abuser, a close relative or father, takes advantage of situations in which the victim is alone, this may happen for short moments like when mother is out for shopping and the unfortunate kid is alone with father, in car washes, public toilets, in the sea. Wherever the abuser lead the victim to have sex (often oral or hand sex), this may stay in the victim's unconscious mind, so as an adult, the person may repeat this scheme. Willing to have sex with your mother is another red flag: an abused child by a relative builds the unconscious idea that having sex with a parent/relative is normal. So while growing, this can mix with mainstream sexuality and normal healthy desire in teenagers, and sexuality becomes a mix of both.

In the event you suffered childhood abuse (this is only a possibility), you will need a close guidance from your Guardian Demon to slowly fix the related issues. This is too personal to give you advices on here, also a skilled terapist may help but, again, choosing him/her through you GD guidance is paramaount, to avoid wrong therapist or worst jewed one.

If you are asking yourself what happens, and all of this seems emerging from your mind - as conscious mind often deleted memories of past abuse to protect own's life - you seem taking the path to recovery for internal soul pulse to heal.
I would do this, 1. in void meditation talk to yourself as if you were still a kid and ask "what happened to you?" 2. do a specific ritual to Satan or any Demon or your Guardian Demon to ask if you have been abused in this or previous life, to be sure. 3. Take steps according to your level of damage, read books on PTSD or Complex-PTSD , perfom Munka meditations to solve issues, experience healty sexuality when possible... this list is long and I have been guided step by step by a Demon, they know facts better than you and me.

Last but first ideed: any sexual problem you have now, any kind of abuse, violence, exploitation you may have suffered IS NOT YOUR FAULT NOR IT IS EVER POSSIBLE IT IS YOUR FAULT, IT IS THE OFFENDER'S FAULT UNDER ANY POSSIBLE LOGICAL, LEGAL, MORAL AND SOCIAL POINT OF VIEW!
You are very young so taking the time to heal problems early in life, will lead you to a much better and long life, worthy and healty, Many people find out those problems late in life, so they spend most of their life in the darkness with no solutions. Even if you have been unlucky and suffered - I alays feel sad for each person harmed - you may be "lucky" as you find out this early in life. Also you are a Satanist from a very young age, Good! You have all your life in front of you, you can build it under Satan's protection, few people had this privilege.
Problems and hang-ups may can be healed.

I will tell something to you,

I was sleeping with my mother until age of 13, (actually kids sleep with their parents until they are not afraid of mythical things but 13 is too much for that) and when I was kid, my mother was touching my genitalia for joke, and she made that joke sometimes at the age of 15 too, but I was annoyed and I told to her to do not a thing like that again.

Can these be an abuse too?

 

[NakedPluto [JG]]

You just got sexually developed at the normal age for males, doesn't mean anything, it is just your hormones. At your 15 age you already are developed past that puberty and you can stop thinking about the past and enjoy life, grow up and get a girlfriend etc.

I will tell something to you,

I was sleeping with my mother until age of 13, (actually kids sleep with their parents until they are not afraid of mythical things but 13 is too much for that) and when I was kid, my mother was touching my genitalia for joke, and she made that joke sometimes at the age of 15 too, but I was annoyed and I told to her to do not a thing like that again.

Can these be an abuse too?

That does not sound right at all. You have to separate these things from your mind and emotions. The nature of being male is that is a physical aspect more than anything first, so you have to occupy your mind with other things or focuses. The mind can find very sexual even a couch at that age and hormonal peaks, it doesn't mean anything. I had a Gf at your age, you can get a girl you like too of your age or higher. Not about or with focus on sexual relations as that is a more mature thing, but having also a nice relationship, discover yourself have fun and good memories as all of these will be gone in time. You also need to find yourself a hobby or a passion to focus on.

All of these hormonal changes and needs and everything is what almost all males experience growing up.

 

[NakedPluto [JG]]

You need to dedicate your life to fighting it.
Your priority is not Kundalini, M.O and a lot of Wisdom.
Your priority is to put an end to this thing because it's serious.

I'm guessing you haven't started or taken your meditations seriously, so I'm going to say the same old things that everyone already knows.

First you need to figure out how to make an AoP that inhibits this energetic distortion and protects you from this sexual part.

Then you need to learn how to do basic meditation. Concentration, breathing and the present moment - you seem to be a person who thinks a lot, your mind is much more than thought, concepts and logical formation. You need to experience the world without the filter of the mind, which you learn through breathing - turn off your mind and stay conscious by observing each breath.

Thirdly, you will cleanse your soul. But do it the right way, little by little, with 3 breaths in each chakra for a year or more.
Change the fire mantra if you need to because the mind loses the comparison, so the feeling of cleanliness is undone.

It is a kid who has sexual hormones and processes and needs that everyone experienced as a male in various degrees and ways. Do not tell to repress or fight anything. You cannot fight biological unfolding and natural processes of the body and soul that happen by design. Kids need to be left alone in this case to develop, discover life. The kid has no fault for the circumstances, lack of parental education and also bad influence in this, he however needs to focus on his life, acknowledge that this is part of growing up, see for himself and grow up.

The notion of pervert, and bad things regarding sexuality other than ones safety and common sense, parental education etc. should not be even in ones mind as a child growing up. However, this is part also of having access to internet that does extremely bad for children, but they should be protected from all of this bullshit victim mentality, or frameworks that one is bad person/pervert, doctors that tell you are whatever bullshit and other insane things. Let kids be natural and not do not scare them that they are wrong or something is wrong or that they need to do something or anything to change themselves.

 

[Blitzkreig [JG]]

I agree with JG NP here that this seems like a case of sexual urges without a proper outlet, and/or ones which had been misguided by the mother. How are you blaming yourself when you say that you mom had touched your genitals? Then, as your natural desires build, you start to look for an outlet, so of course you "remember" what happened with her. However, other outlets must be found to replace this negative one, which should not have been created in the first place.

Further, you are mixing this with shame and scaring yourself into thinking you are equivalent to much worse expressions and people, when that is not true at all. Yet, by doing this, you are sabotaging yourself in the long run. You may be doing it because you subconsciously believe it to be true, then you are taking a lack of void ability or random, errant sexual urges and thoughts as "proof" that you are broken, which continues the cycle.

It may be hard to convince yourself that nothing is wrong from the beginning, but at least agree to give yourself some space to think and improve, rather than an immediate "whipping" for "bad behavior". If you can do this, then your mood will likely improve, which will make it easier for you to find a healthy partner or other sexual expression.

Lastly, no, the Gods do not hate you. The situation is more like they are waiting to help, but instead of raising your hand for help, you are using it to slap yourself, metaphorically. However, you are certainly capable of resolving this and through that innate potential to improve you can make the daily steps for resolution. Don't think all of this will change overnight, but focus on small changes here.

Don't stop any affirmation or working just because you felt some resistance. Further, you can clean your sacral chakra and know that you are putting your past behind you. Intentionally focus on healthy partners and you can affirm/aim your sexual energy and desires to create a connection with healthy outlets. Maybe consider a working with Kenaz and Sowilo to create the necessary conditions for healthy sexual expressions. There are many possible solutions that can be attempted.

 

[Engineered Trasformation]

I will tell something to you,

I was sleeping with my mother until age of 13, (actually kids sleep with their parents until they are not afraid of mythical things but 13 is too much for that) and when I was kid, my mother was touching my genitalia for joke, and she made that joke sometimes at the age of 15 too, but I was annoyed and I told to her to do not a thing like that again.

Can these be an abuse too?

Sorry for telling you that, yes it is a form of abuse almost certainly. As you probably removed the part in your conscious memory, where facts went "further".
In any case, a mother joking with genitals of 15yo son, is NOT normal.
I think you are watching at the tip of the iceberg.
Sleeping with your mother. Mothers can also abuse sons, it happens, it is not only men enacting sexual abuse. I know a person (female) who slept with her mother until adult, and her father was sleeping in another room. I have been told by my GD her mother played for many years with her, but she cannot remember at now. She has any kind of sexual problem today, including fear of even touching her own genitals (as this is probably a trigger of childhood abuse, so it's "avoidance technique" by her mind).
I think you need to dig deeper in your mind but, I repeat, being guided step by step by your Guardian Demon is very important here. Your mind may try everything (unconsciously) to keep you far from hurting memories like any sort of abuse.
The good news is - if there is any possible good news in those sick and pervert situation - 1. anything is your fault even if you may have been lead to think so as a form of scapegoating and 2. there is hope and healing possibility!

 

[Engineered Trasformation]

Also. Stay strong. When the buried facts come to the surface, is it like a earthquake. The comes a tsunami, later on, peace and rebuilding on ground zero emotional area. Any emotional support you may need post on here, many of us are a true support in difficult moments.
I would have had much harder times without this forum, and the Golden Community of SS Souls it represents.