I've loged with my old account because I'm too ashamed to post on the real one...
I will start by saying that I had an on and off relationship with drugs and alcohol since 2016.. also I have an escapist nature and destructive personality I want to go all in and when I start I want to go consciously insane..
Ok so In about one year period 2017-2018 autumn I was involved in heavy alcohol and pills addiction (anxiety pills, antidepressants, sleeping pills pretty much everything that would make me high) I would mix those together to have "better high" afterwards went to mental hospital 5-6 times in that period because I wanted to kill myself.
And listen to this bullshit I started going this heavy because after 9months of becoming clean from everything and doing yoga, meditations, rtrs and so on.. I drank one beer and smoked few cigaretts and I thought that gods and Satan would never forgive me... Yeah I was younger at the time..
Then in 2019 I ran away from everything to Nederland lived there for 6 months. smoked a lot of weed, did magic truffels maybe 10 times? did some ecstasy 2 times and did one line of cocaine..
Then I come back and started to feeling that I'm sick and tired of this bullshit and I can take control in my hands.. from 2020 march went cold turkey clean from everything and started working on myself doing yoga, meditation and rtr again.. until 2021 28th June came..
So on 28th June I was very stressed about life and personal things going on.. then I went to my hotel to sleep and there was mini bar.. So I said fuck it I'm tired of everything like slow progress and I was alone for so long.. no touch no love not anything of that nature.. So I drink a little bit then I watch porn again 5 videos every 20min.. (I was 3 months clean) then after a week I watched couple more videos..
Then I moved out to a bigger city everything was kinda okay for 2 weeks maybe and then I decided that it would be a good idea to buy a prostitute.. so maybe in 2 weeks time I slept with 3 different prostitutes didn't ask any names or are they jewish (they didin't look like it) or if they had covid vaccine.. later on last 2 weeks I smoked some weed, drank some alcohol again..
Slept with girl who told me afterwards that her grandfather was a jew.. (at least I did not finish just had sex for 15-20 min if that makes anything better..) slept with other girl who had covid vaccine and other mental problems.. then I felt even more shitty and did mdma(ecstasy) 1 gram went on my 3rd time drug induced psychosis..
I don't know what's wrong with me I don't even want to blame enemy attacks or astro transits, because everything was done consciously and because I was tired of everything and wanted some love.. My mind is telling me that is over and there is no going back from this.. BUT I REFUSE to believe that. I will do everything and any working to fix this because yes I'm tired of everything but I'm more tired of letting myself and Satan and Gods down...
Today I started again spiritual sun square and ansuz rune working for porn. (I was doing them from 25 june) but everything went down hill after drugs..
So please help me with anything..
thank you....
I will start by saying that I had an on and off relationship with drugs and alcohol since 2016.. also I have an escapist nature and destructive personality I want to go all in and when I start I want to go consciously insane..
Ok so In about one year period 2017-2018 autumn I was involved in heavy alcohol and pills addiction (anxiety pills, antidepressants, sleeping pills pretty much everything that would make me high) I would mix those together to have "better high" afterwards went to mental hospital 5-6 times in that period because I wanted to kill myself.
And listen to this bullshit I started going this heavy because after 9months of becoming clean from everything and doing yoga, meditations, rtrs and so on.. I drank one beer and smoked few cigaretts and I thought that gods and Satan would never forgive me... Yeah I was younger at the time..
Then in 2019 I ran away from everything to Nederland lived there for 6 months. smoked a lot of weed, did magic truffels maybe 10 times? did some ecstasy 2 times and did one line of cocaine..
Then I come back and started to feeling that I'm sick and tired of this bullshit and I can take control in my hands.. from 2020 march went cold turkey clean from everything and started working on myself doing yoga, meditation and rtr again.. until 2021 28th June came..
So on 28th June I was very stressed about life and personal things going on.. then I went to my hotel to sleep and there was mini bar.. So I said fuck it I'm tired of everything like slow progress and I was alone for so long.. no touch no love not anything of that nature.. So I drink a little bit then I watch porn again 5 videos every 20min.. (I was 3 months clean) then after a week I watched couple more videos..
Then I moved out to a bigger city everything was kinda okay for 2 weeks maybe and then I decided that it would be a good idea to buy a prostitute.. so maybe in 2 weeks time I slept with 3 different prostitutes didn't ask any names or are they jewish (they didin't look like it) or if they had covid vaccine.. later on last 2 weeks I smoked some weed, drank some alcohol again..
Slept with girl who told me afterwards that her grandfather was a jew.. (at least I did not finish just had sex for 15-20 min if that makes anything better..) slept with other girl who had covid vaccine and other mental problems.. then I felt even more shitty and did mdma(ecstasy) 1 gram went on my 3rd time drug induced psychosis..
I don't know what's wrong with me I don't even want to blame enemy attacks or astro transits, because everything was done consciously and because I was tired of everything and wanted some love.. My mind is telling me that is over and there is no going back from this.. BUT I REFUSE to believe that. I will do everything and any working to fix this because yes I'm tired of everything but I'm more tired of letting myself and Satan and Gods down...
Today I started again spiritual sun square and ansuz rune working for porn. (I was doing them from 25 june) but everything went down hill after drugs..
So please help me with anything..
thank you....