Issues of trust and stress of time

[Yagami Light]

Hello, hello, hello.

As of late I've been going through a very hard period in my life. It is not hard because of outer circumstances but because of my inner self, my thoughts, desires, my non-existent dreams, and myself, in general...

I keep thinking and thinking - ending up nowhere.
The moment I think that I found a solution to a problem, I realize that this problem was not what it looked like to be, so I keep on thinking and thinking, again... to no end. It never ends.

I have also come to question my inner advancement through meditation - though there is no doubt of the many great changes that have happened within me - there are still so many serious issues that have been pestering my life and I have reached a point where I don't see any meditation that could help me sort things out.

I feel trapped.

I can't trust... anyone. Even my sibling whom I love dearly and whom I KNOW that does NOT judge me, nor will they tell anyone what I tell them. I know this, yet I still don't trust them.

I strongly believe that when I tell them about something that has been bothering me, after that point, whatever I tell them they will keep thinking/linking whatever's been bothering me with my opinions. Basically, I will feel like they're being constantly judgemental towards me. I feel like they do NOT truly know me - but after I tell them about something personal, then they will "link" this thing to my personality, thinking they've figured me out.
I can't know if they do that. I don't have any proof. On the contrary, that person is a Pisces and very fluid. They have NEVER been judgemental towards me - so those thoughts don't really make sense.

I feel like I can only trust the Gods - because, no matter what I tell them, no matter the new problems that have appeared in my life, or the new things I've discovered about myself, THEY ALWAYS KNEW WHO I AM, THEY COULD ALWAYS SEE WITHIN MY HEART, so these new discoveries of mine will not change their perspective towards me.

But... this is a very problematic way of thinking. It's problematic because I can't see or hear the Gods (I can hear them sometimes, but still) the communication is very limited (and never 100% certain), so I can't rely on them 100%. Perhaps I shouldn't do that either. They are higher beings - we can't rely on them for little human problems we can share with our friends. But these problems are about myself... and I don't trust anyone else but the Gods to talk with about these, and cry my eyes out naturally, as I see no solution. I'm trying and can't even spot the source of the problem.

About the stress of time:
I become UNNATURALLY stressed with time. I have fixed my clock to go 17 minutes ahead so that I will never be late at appointments. I have GREATLY limited the meditations I do (it's really just 3 things - they take around 1,30 hours in total tops) and they still stress me out. I work for only 6 hours a day, in a job that is a 10 minutes walk from my home, I have almost the entire day ahead of me (I manage all my responsibilities in a very short amount of time) and still get incredibly stressed about it.

Two days ago I had an appointment with a friend who lives on the apartment directly below mine. I told them, at 18.00 I will come downstairs, and we will leave. The time was 17.50 and I had just gotten out of the shower and was dressing up. I only had to brush my teeth and that was it. AND YET I had gotten INCREDIBLY stressed, thinking that I would be late.

What would happen if I were late?
Absolutely nothing... My friend wouldn't even comment on it (and if I were late, it'd be 5-10 minutes tops).

I get stressed on my days off work, when I have these 1.30 hours of meditations and NOTHING ELSE TO DO THE ENTIRE DAY!!!!!!!!!!!
If I go for a coffee (on my days off work), I keep on looking at my clock, thinking I should leave, thinking that I'm wasting my time sitting for a coffee and relaxing for a bit. I can't... relax.

And, what do I do when I come back home? Nothing really... I will do the meditations, but that's it. I may watch videos, watch a series, read a book, listen to a podcast... But these things ARE NOT things that "must be done" as to cause me stress if I'm not home in time!!!
Even if I do my meditations before going for coffee - I still become stressed, and eagerly wanting to get back home.

I can't understand... what's the problem.
I can't understand what's MY problem. I told my sibling about this... I had told them many times before, and they would just advice me on trying to do this, trying to think of it like that etc. Today though, they told me that I should probably go to a psychiatrist (not to take pills, but for a professional to advice me better than they can) and I just felt... well, I hated hearing that.

I hate asking for help from others (though I've asked help from the Gods so many times... I've asked for their guidance mostly, but also for help). I hate the idea of talking to a therapist/psychiatrist. I hate the fact that my sibling suggested me that (though I UNDERSTAND why they did! Because I have this stress of time for so many years, and I still haven't been able to cope with it - and lately it has been torturing me).

I also thought that "hey, maybe our parents were right for thinking I was always a "problem child" (because I preferred solitude, because I was always angry etc etc... most things I found out their origins because of past lives)...

I don't know how to deal with this.. I don't know how to deal with myself.
I also can't be making a new post in the forums each time I freak out, or my problems become bigger than myself (at least, mentally they look bigger than myself). Many times I don't trust these forums as well (I'm thinking there are many outsiders (I mean of the enemy) reading this, and I don't want them to know about the things I'm going through, so I'd rather keep them to myself).

I don't trust any person.

I'm just stuck in a loophole, again and again, and fucking again and again....
I've done munka for so many things... I thought I was freed from so many things that keep popping up in my life, that I no longer know... if there's any solution. If I'm just a problematic person. If my parents were right. If I will ever "succeed" in anything in my life.

HP HoodedCobra's latest post made me cry "...As a final note, all Spiritual Satanists, despite of how events may turn [life can be chaotic], are all invited here for a very specific reason. One of this, is because the Gods want to give to the souls that have been with them in the past, the knowledge to live and rise again. " but... there are just so many wrongs with myself, and it's been a decade since I started meditating, and some things have gotten so so so much more worse, that, in the end, I don't know if there's ever a... an escape? A solution? A 'rising again'?

I have been blaming myself for my problems. That's normal, isn't it? But I'm always thinking that "perhaps I am in denial of some X issue that I don't want to accept or admit"... and I never know what that is. I just feel guilty, each fucking time I have a problem. I feel guilty that I already know the answer, but don't want to admit it. BUT I DON'T KNOW THE FUCKING ANSWER!!!!

But I feel bad, and I don't want to ask people's help. I feel needy. I should know what the problem is. How can you not know yourself? And I've done so much munka... so many meditations for self-awareness, for getting rid of negative thoughtforms, of GUILT, of misery, of "anything that's been an obstacle in my spiritual, mental, physical advancement" and so much cleansing that... I don't know anymore. I'm fed up.

I want to do more meditations, but the stress of time has been literally driving me nuts - so I can't begin anything new. Not even a 5-minute SaTaNaMa meditation session... I don't see any point in doing void meditation, as I had been doing it in the past, and there wasn't a change in my life - other than being completely relaxed in those 5 or 10 minutes I was doing the void meditation.
Doing the entire day void would be impossible - I would just sleep all day (I can't not think of anything all day long - too many things pestering me and I keep on trying to find a solution).

At some point I even tried to do ISA to calm me down... but I stopped shortly (after a few days) as I saw no change (and felt like I was doing more bad than good), and I felt like this wasn't the problem. I don't know what's the problem. Time just stresses me out (even if I have nothing to do all day long).

 

[Aquarius]

Void is not about sleeping all day, it's about having a mind free from thoughts that shouldn't be there. For example this time thing. If you don't put the mental work to free yourself from such thought no matter how many workings you do you won't get anywhere.
You have to live in the present, and relax..

 

[Wayofthegods]

Hello, hello, hello.

As of late I've been going through a very hard period in my life. It is not hard because of outer circumstances but because of my inner self, my thoughts, desires, my non-existent dreams, and myself, in general...

I keep thinking and thinking - ending up nowhere.
The moment I think that I found a solution to a problem, I realize that this problem was not what it looked like to be, so I keep on thinking and thinking, again... to no end. It never ends.

I have also come to question my inner advancement through meditation - though there is no doubt of the many great changes that have happened within me - there are still so many serious issues that have been pestering my life and I have reached a point where I don't see any meditation that could help me sort things out.

I feel trapped.

I can't trust... anyone. Even my sibling whom I love dearly and whom I KNOW that does NOT judge me, nor will they tell anyone what I tell them. I know this, yet I still don't trust them.

I strongly believe that when I tell them about something that has been bothering me, after that point, whatever I tell them they will keep thinking/linking whatever's been bothering me with my opinions. Basically, I will feel like they're being constantly judgemental towards me. I feel like they do NOT truly know me - but after I tell them about something personal, then they will "link" this thing to my personality, thinking they've figured me out.
I can't know if they do that. I don't have any proof. On the contrary, that person is a Pisces and very fluid. They have NEVER been judgemental towards me - so those thoughts don't really make sense.

I feel like I can only trust the Gods - because, no matter what I tell them, no matter the new problems that have appeared in my life, or the new things I've discovered about myself, THEY ALWAYS KNEW WHO I AM, THEY COULD ALWAYS SEE WITHIN MY HEART, so these new discoveries of mine will not change their perspective towards me.

But... this is a very problematic way of thinking. It's problematic because I can't see or hear the Gods (I can hear them sometimes, but still) the communication is very limited (and never 100% certain), so I can't rely on them 100%. Perhaps I shouldn't do that either. They are higher beings - we can't rely on them for little human problems we can share with our friends. But these problems are about myself... and I don't trust anyone else but the Gods to talk with about these, and cry my eyes out naturally, as I see no solution. I'm trying and can't even spot the source of the problem.

About the stress of time:
I become UNNATURALLY stressed with time. I have fixed my clock to go 17 minutes ahead so that I will never be late at appointments. I have GREATLY limited the meditations I do (it's really just 3 things - they take around 1,30 hours in total tops) and they still stress me out. I work for only 6 hours a day, in a job that is a 10 minutes walk from my home, I have almost the entire day ahead of me (I manage all my responsibilities in a very short amount of time) and still get incredibly stressed about it.

Two days ago I had an appointment with a friend who lives on the apartment directly below mine. I told them, at 18.00 I will come downstairs, and we will leave. The time was 17.50 and I had just gotten out of the shower and was dressing up. I only had to brush my teeth and that was it. AND YET I had gotten INCREDIBLY stressed, thinking that I would be late.

What would happen if I were late?
Absolutely nothing... My friend wouldn't even comment on it (and if I were late, it'd be 5-10 minutes tops).

I get stressed on my days off work, when I have these 1.30 hours of meditations and NOTHING ELSE TO DO THE ENTIRE DAY!!!!!!!!!!!
If I go for a coffee (on my days off work), I keep on looking at my clock, thinking I should leave, thinking that I'm wasting my time sitting for a coffee and relaxing for a bit. I can't... relax.

And, what do I do when I come back home? Nothing really... I will do the meditations, but that's it. I may watch videos, watch a series, read a book, listen to a podcast... But these things ARE NOT things that "must be done" as to cause me stress if I'm not home in time!!!
Even if I do my meditations before going for coffee - I still become stressed, and eagerly wanting to get back home.

I can't understand... what's the problem.
I can't understand what's MY problem. I told my sibling about this... I had told them many times before, and they would just advice me on trying to do this, trying to think of it like that etc. Today though, they told me that I should probably go to a psychiatrist (not to take pills, but for a professional to advice me better than they can) and I just felt... well, I hated hearing that.

I hate asking for help from others (though I've asked help from the Gods so many times... I've asked for their guidance mostly, but also for help). I hate the idea of talking to a therapist/psychiatrist. I hate the fact that my sibling suggested me that (though I UNDERSTAND why they did! Because I have this stress of time for so many years, and I still haven't been able to cope with it - and lately it has been torturing me).

I also thought that "hey, maybe our parents were right for thinking I was always a "problem child" (because I preferred solitude, because I was always angry etc etc... most things I found out their origins because of past lives)...

I don't know how to deal with this.. I don't know how to deal with myself.
I also can't be making a new post in the forums each time I freak out, or my problems become bigger than myself (at least, mentally they look bigger than myself). Many times I don't trust these forums as well (I'm thinking there are many outsiders (I mean of the enemy) reading this, and I don't want them to know about the things I'm going through, so I'd rather keep them to myself).

I don't trust any person.

I'm just stuck in a loophole, again and again, and fucking again and again....
I've done munka for so many things... I thought I was freed from so many things that keep popping up in my life, that I no longer know... if there's any solution. If I'm just a problematic person. If my parents were right. If I will ever "succeed" in anything in my life.

HP HoodedCobra's latest post made me cry "...As a final note, all Spiritual Satanists, despite of how events may turn [life can be chaotic], are all invited here for a very specific reason. One of this, is because the Gods want to give to the souls that have been with them in the past, the knowledge to live and rise again. " but... there are just so many wrongs with myself, and it's been a decade since I started meditating, and some things have gotten so so so much more worse, that, in the end, I don't know if there's ever a... an escape? A solution? A 'rising again'?

I have been blaming myself for my problems. That's normal, isn't it? But I'm always thinking that "perhaps I am in denial of some X issue that I don't want to accept or admit"... and I never know what that is. I just feel guilty, each fucking time I have a problem. I feel guilty that I already know the answer, but don't want to admit it. BUT I DON'T KNOW THE FUCKING ANSWER!!!!

But I feel bad, and I don't want to ask people's help. I feel needy. I should know what the problem is. How can you not know yourself? And I've done so much munka... so many meditations for self-awareness, for getting rid of negative thoughtforms, of GUILT, of misery, of "anything that's been an obstacle in my spiritual, mental, physical advancement" and so much cleansing that... I don't know anymore. I'm fed up.

I want to do more meditations, but the stress of time has been literally driving me nuts - so I can't begin anything new. Not even a 5-minute SaTaNaMa meditation session... I don't see any point in doing void meditation, as I had been doing it in the past, and there wasn't a change in my life - other than being completely relaxed in those 5 or 10 minutes I was doing the void meditation.
Doing the entire day void would be impossible - I would just sleep all day (I can't not think of anything all day long - too many things pestering me and I keep on trying to find a solution).

At some point I even tried to do ISA to calm me down... but I stopped shortly (after a few days) as I saw no change (and felt like I was doing more bad than good), and I felt like this wasn't the problem. I don't know what's the problem. Time just stresses me out (even if I have nothing to do all day long).

When the mind is stressed, nothing can be accomplished. How much void do you do?

 

[Rook]

You aint got no fun in your life that's why you're like that.

A lot of people said void meditation, but that ain't the answer, if you're stressed you won't be able to do much void at all.
reality is, you gotta let the stress out, if you got hate/stress or sadness any sort of emotion pent up in you, you gotta let it out somehow.
maybe break something idk, find a way to vent it, suppressing or ignoring your emotions isn't controlling them, it's hiding from them.
rituals against the enemy helps me vent hatred, as well as beating them up in my mind.

When it comes to fun for me, i play video games, aint notin better than a night with the boys queing up a match for some mindless violence, as well as autistically t-baging/emote spamming the enemy at the end of a tight match.
It's not the only thing i do, here in the tropical islands where i live there's a lot of exotic birds, sometimes i'm chilling in my hammock and i see a fabulous bird i've never seen before or ones with rare colors.
i guess they call this bird watching.
i remember the 1st time i saw a baby owl casually and quickly turn it's head 180° around to stare at me, it was fucking fascinating seeing that for the 1st time.

when it comes to void meditation, as an SS, yes you need a strong mind to control your thoughts during rituals and meditations. but you can't do it all day.
void meditation drains your willpower, the same if you raised your hand out infront of you and held it there you're going to get tired, same with if you were to stand for to long, the muscles in your legs get tired.
too much void and your mind will get tired, and you'll need to rest it.

This is even worse for when you're stressed, because it's more willpower needed to focus, take the same example of casually holding out your hand, but this time add 10pounds, this is what it's like when you're stressed and try to do void.

like holding your breath underwater, the more you do it the more you adapt and the longer you can hold your breath, but you can't hold your breath all day, you gotta breathe, same with void, you can do more in time, but don't overwork yourself.

You gotta rest your mind and do something relaxing.

you're Greek right? ever heard about Dionysus, he knew how to chillax, perhaps you could learn to do so too.

but really, you gotta find a way to get the stress out, you need some fun in your life, and maybe a way to vent.

on the bright side, you can use this frustration to focus on advancing yourself to gain power, the more power you have the more you can do.

 

[Blitzkreig [JG]]

...

Are you sure you don't have any physical ailments?

When I have had relevant symptoms flare-up in the past, these have made me persistently stressed, even when everything was actually fine.

You do meditations, yet I do not see hatha yoga or alternate nose breathing. It is said that when you tried many spiritual fixes, then the problem may be more physically rooted.

You did the Munka so that your body may no longer be limited, but now you have to grow past that previous limitations. The obstacles in the road have been lifted, now you have to drive through.

In a physical sense, this means restoring the energy to certain parts of the body that may be in unbalanced states.

First things first, if you are feeling stressed, do not drink coffee anymore. Switch to decaf.
Next, try invoking earth and program it to quickly balance and calm you in a healthy manner.

---------------------------------

Check both your transits and natal chart and try to pinpoint what the issue may be. In either case, use sun energy to transmute this. The sun will soon be in Leo, ready for a square. Otherwise just use sowilo or surya:

"The energy of the sun has transmuted any bad astrology pertaining to my sense of calm and peace, allowing me to be perfectly calm, in a healthy and positive way for me" x10

or something like that

 

[Wolfsage]

Just a couple thoughts on this, that may or may not be helpful: How’s you’re focus in general? Can you accomplish you’re tasks or do you have a bunch of stuff that is getting left undone? If you can’t focus everything feels stressful.
You may also find yourself surprised one day, nothing lasts forever. That obsession/stress with time might disappear. I outgrew bad impulses, so you may find out that it’s just an illusion that you’ve made for yourself in the end(not completely of course, everything carries a message from your interpretations of events)
I feel like you should purposefully allow yourself to be stressed by it, be late to you’re job, be late for you’re friends. Sometimes confronting the confusion/fear is the way out when you can recognize it as an issue that is not logical or when the stakes aren’t very high. Better to risk on something small like being punctual than on something big. I’ve had emotions like this in the past and currently at times, but they always show up because I’m not doing my work(especially spiritual) or getting enough done in the day.
I also know the enemy has this weird hang up on time, several examples of “time worship” in the media, not exactly sure what it is, just that everything they touch is polluted. Make sure to do RTRs a and something for protection.