momlove
New member
- Joined
- Aug 17, 2024
- Messages
- 1
Hello,
This is my first post here, though I have been an observer since 2011, when I was still a teenager. I am writing this thread to hopefully gain some clarity regarding my experiences with the otherworld, which for a long time I attributed to psychosis. Forgive me, in advance, as this will probably include many details about my life preceding the events in question. This is to provide the context by which I had these experiences, including encounters with entities whose nature I have yet to understand.
I was born bi-racial to a mother with white Catholic origins and a father with monarchic Azeri (Irani-Turkic) Islamic origins from the middle east, namely a "refugee" who fled alone from the "war of the cities" between Iran and Iraq. I put refugee in quotes as he found safety, familiar language and culture by crossing the mountains into Turkey, however continued to move in order to find the most "appropriate" place for the rest of the family to join him.
I was raised in an Islamic household, as catholic values do not "stick", especially when those are the values of the mother in a predominantly patriarchal world. My first conversation about god resulted in punishment, as, when told at the age of 5 about god, in this case "allah", and his nature, my first question was "and can nobody challenge him?". Admittedly, I was thinking of Pokémon when asking this question, as I was just a child and that was my reference point by which any fantastical information would be filtered. For this, I was verbally punished at a time where I felt particularly vulnerable, as I was being bathed during the discussion. My father would not speak to me, and I remember laying on the sofa thinking, or feeling, something along the lines of "whatever this is, it does not feel good, and has resulted in something negative".
From there, and the years to come, I was made to pray 5 times a day and observe Islamic ritual and values. The only thing I really enjoyed about all this was going to the mosque for Eid, as admittedly very delicious foods from a variety of Mediterranean and middle eastern cultures were present, sometimes in something of a grand hall with hundreds of families observing the holiday. I had my own personal computer from the age of 6 and took an interest primarily in the "Jinn" aspect of the culture and religion, because who doesn't like ghosts? One compelling idea about Jinn was that they were like humans, in that they are not inherently evil, just that they could make whatever personal choices they desired.
Our home was also rather "haunted", my mother and I would quite frequently see tall shadows in the shape of men moving down the hall and into my mother's bedroom, and would call out to each other from opposite sides of the home to say, "did you see that one?!" very often. Probably normal, but I constantly had a feeling of being "watched" from the back of my head. I could not bear to be in a room with the door closed, nor be in the dark, or sleep alone, embarrassingly until I was older. I remember one night, when my father came home from work, he found me reading a book about Irish folklore. He was infuriated, saying "This shit is satanic, don't be reading things like this", and I replied, "It's not satanic, it's just folk tales from Ireland!". I opened the book to a random page to get an example I could show him, quickly scanned the page and saw the words "Satan visited him", or something along those lines. I opted not to show him and simply closed the book, put it back, and was told to get ready for bed. My father then went into the kitchen to make dinner, and I went to the bathroom and began brushing my teeth. As I was brushing my teeth, I got that feeling of being watched again, and turned my head to look out the doorway. I saw my father, leaning against the wall with his forehead resting against his forearms as he would sometimes do, probably while suffering from PTSD, bipolar, depression or whatever else his problem was (lol). Nothing looked out of the ordinary, except that he seemed somehow "shrouded". I turned back to the sink to continue brushing, and then suddenly realized.. I could still hear the clanking of pots and pans in the kitchen as he was making dinner. All the hairs on my body stood up at that point, and I called out "Dad?" and he replied "What?" from the kitchen. At this point I fully turned my body to face the doorway, still seeing "him" leaning against the wall in the manner he was. I panicked and was about to run out of the bathroom, then the image of my father disappeared and I felt a jolt go through my body, as if something had violently pushed through my chest, my knees buckled but I managed to just barely run into the kitchen. I told my father about this and he said "I told you not to read things like this, the more you notice them, the more they notice you". I felt an extreme depression for some time immediately after this event occurred, however the paranormal events continued.
Some nights I would be too afraid to sleep alone, but my mother was too afraid to let me sleep in the bed, as she felt whatever was going on was either following me or due to me. One of the nights she did let me into bed, things got particularly strange. She was lying with her back towards me, while I was lying down facing her back. It was a large queen-size bed, so there was plenty of space between us. I then felt something rubbing my ankle lightly. I asked my mother, "is that you?", "no" she replied. I then felt a tugging on the blanket and something went "Ahhh" as if sighing after lying down, coming from between my head and hers. I asked again, "was that you?", and instead of replying with yes or no, she got out of bed and said "let's go to the living room". I slept on one sofa while she sat in the other facing down the hallway, she says she stayed up all night watching down that hallway, wanting to protect me.
It was only a few years later, when I was around the age of 13, that my parents would separate, with my mother taking us to live across the ocean in Europe. The place we moved into also had frequent strange occurrences, one time while alone at home the shower turned on by itself in the bathroom. I mustered up enough courage to stand outside the bathroom door, but could not bring myself to open it. Instead, I grabbed the house phone (remember those lol) and left the apartment entirely, calling my mother from the hallway and asking her when she could come home, and if she could expedite her return. She returned after about 20 minutes, we both went into the bathroom and she turned the shower off by turning the nozzle. There was no explanation for how this could have occurred. One night during this period was especially memorable. I was asleep in my bed and dreamed that I was standing in a field at night, in front of a large tree-line that stretched from the left-most to right-most of my view, and saw a white speck in one of the trees towards the left. My vision kind of "zoomed in" on this, and revealed a tall, something like 7-8 feet, woman with white skin and white tattered robes, with white hair. She turned her head to look directly at me, my vision then zoomed in on her eye, it was the most distinct yellow iris. My vision then zoomed out completely back into my normal perspective, from which I saw that white speck quickly jump from tree to tree, until it was in the tree directly in front of me. My vision zoomed in yet again, I saw her get on her haunches in a "pouncing" position, and she jumped a great distance all the way from the tree she was in until she landed on my chest, at which point I instantly sat up awake in real life--only to see my mother standing in my room in the dark with the most bewildered look on her face. Still considering my experience to simply be a dream, and funnily not even being frightened by it, I only asked "what's wrong?". She replied with "nothing go back to bed".
The next morning in the car she said "I know what you saw in your dream last night". Amused, I asked her "what?", and she replied "you saw the white lady". I asked her how she knew, and she said, "Last night I woke up to a scratching noise on the tiles outside of your room, and when I looked out into the hall, there was a tall white lady dressed in all white standing outside your bedroom looking in on you. She then looked at me, and walked into your bedroom. I shot up out of bed and chased her, and she was gone, but you had sat up". There is no further explanation or detail to the story, but it was a markedly unique experience.
It was only two-to-three years later that I then went back across the pond to stay with my father for a while, and it is there that I discovered spiritual satanism, namely the Joy of Satan community and its older, primarily html website. I would frequently do the meditation to Thoth, pressing into my nail corner and creating the "th/bh" vibration with my mouth. At this stage I was admittedly heavily into the use of substances, having taken doses of strange psychedelics labelled as "acid" that would leave me tripping for sometimes up to three days without pause. During one of these experiences, the feeling of needing to burp would be constant, and whenever I would burp, the "wind-tunnel" sound effect would come out. I puked a clear watery liquid, then saw the Buddha appear in front of me holding two lotus flowers. After the Buddha appeared, that was when the tall shadow figures would once again make an entrance. They were everywhere, as if I was in some grand bazaar or marketplace filled with them, as if my world had collided with theirs somehow. They would lean over the bed and "into" my neck, speaking things like "hibiscus can be used to treat cancer", and "over-analysis leads to self-decline". I experienced an utter death of the ego, which was one positive, however the voices and shadows persisted beyond the duration of my trip. I was terrified that I had given myself drug-induced psychosis, and that I had permanently given myself mental illness. One morning, they would tell me "You are chosen, come meet with us", and flashed an image of a small area in the woods, and I had immediate knowledge of the location, in a very large public park. I proceeded to walk to the location, with the wind in my ear telling me "Yes, yes!". As I got to the edge of the woods, I thought to myself "what are you doing?" as I figured listening to voices in my head can lead me into dangerous situations, or cause me to get eaten by coyotes nonetheless. As I turned and began walking away, the wind began to scream into my ear, "No! No! Come back!". I ignored the voices and continued home, then saw a small ipod touch nano (remember those?) on the sidewalk in front of me. I picked it up, opened the music library, and every song was just those broken symbols when you write something that a machine doesn't have the typography to fill. I intended to listen to the songs on it, however I went to show my friend and, as I was way more distracted by all the stuff going on in my head, he stole it from me and never spoke of it, even when pressed.
This went on for about 9 months, and during this period I was in a constant state of fear. I could not even leave the house at night without seeing shadow-people moving everywhere, or things communicating in my head, or this electricity in the top-back of my head. I was terrified, and somehow realized that I could "close the door" by invoking some kind of god, in this case I chose "allah" as it was what I knew best. I knew I was willingly seeking out ignorance, but under the narrative that the borders and boundaries between worlds were protected for a reason, and, as evidenced by my constant state of fear, that perhaps they were justifiably closed, as I could barely even function normally in the world any longer due to incessant "noise". I would invoke this god and his protection every time I felt afraid or alone against beings that seemed greater than myself, and rather quickly all these experiences completely ceased. Forever. I have not had any contact since then, it is almost as if I've been completely closed off, despite having let go of the "tool" I used to barrier myself quite soon after it was effective. My use of substances did not stop, not until only three years ago, but any form of paranormal experience or communication has completely ceased.
In fact, I find it sometimes quite sad, that the world has become so "normal" and "material", though I am a natural philosopher with an open-mind, and, what is the purpose of this life, if not for the joy of having unique experiences? I'm not sure what question I would like to ask here, maybe I'm looking for any insight or shared experiences from this community, but it is the first time I have shared this story in a public setting, or even wrote it all down in text, as opposed to speaking verbally with close and trusted friends.
I don't know anything, but maybe you do.
This is my first post here, though I have been an observer since 2011, when I was still a teenager. I am writing this thread to hopefully gain some clarity regarding my experiences with the otherworld, which for a long time I attributed to psychosis. Forgive me, in advance, as this will probably include many details about my life preceding the events in question. This is to provide the context by which I had these experiences, including encounters with entities whose nature I have yet to understand.
I was born bi-racial to a mother with white Catholic origins and a father with monarchic Azeri (Irani-Turkic) Islamic origins from the middle east, namely a "refugee" who fled alone from the "war of the cities" between Iran and Iraq. I put refugee in quotes as he found safety, familiar language and culture by crossing the mountains into Turkey, however continued to move in order to find the most "appropriate" place for the rest of the family to join him.
I was raised in an Islamic household, as catholic values do not "stick", especially when those are the values of the mother in a predominantly patriarchal world. My first conversation about god resulted in punishment, as, when told at the age of 5 about god, in this case "allah", and his nature, my first question was "and can nobody challenge him?". Admittedly, I was thinking of Pokémon when asking this question, as I was just a child and that was my reference point by which any fantastical information would be filtered. For this, I was verbally punished at a time where I felt particularly vulnerable, as I was being bathed during the discussion. My father would not speak to me, and I remember laying on the sofa thinking, or feeling, something along the lines of "whatever this is, it does not feel good, and has resulted in something negative".
From there, and the years to come, I was made to pray 5 times a day and observe Islamic ritual and values. The only thing I really enjoyed about all this was going to the mosque for Eid, as admittedly very delicious foods from a variety of Mediterranean and middle eastern cultures were present, sometimes in something of a grand hall with hundreds of families observing the holiday. I had my own personal computer from the age of 6 and took an interest primarily in the "Jinn" aspect of the culture and religion, because who doesn't like ghosts? One compelling idea about Jinn was that they were like humans, in that they are not inherently evil, just that they could make whatever personal choices they desired.
Our home was also rather "haunted", my mother and I would quite frequently see tall shadows in the shape of men moving down the hall and into my mother's bedroom, and would call out to each other from opposite sides of the home to say, "did you see that one?!" very often. Probably normal, but I constantly had a feeling of being "watched" from the back of my head. I could not bear to be in a room with the door closed, nor be in the dark, or sleep alone, embarrassingly until I was older. I remember one night, when my father came home from work, he found me reading a book about Irish folklore. He was infuriated, saying "This shit is satanic, don't be reading things like this", and I replied, "It's not satanic, it's just folk tales from Ireland!". I opened the book to a random page to get an example I could show him, quickly scanned the page and saw the words "Satan visited him", or something along those lines. I opted not to show him and simply closed the book, put it back, and was told to get ready for bed. My father then went into the kitchen to make dinner, and I went to the bathroom and began brushing my teeth. As I was brushing my teeth, I got that feeling of being watched again, and turned my head to look out the doorway. I saw my father, leaning against the wall with his forehead resting against his forearms as he would sometimes do, probably while suffering from PTSD, bipolar, depression or whatever else his problem was (lol). Nothing looked out of the ordinary, except that he seemed somehow "shrouded". I turned back to the sink to continue brushing, and then suddenly realized.. I could still hear the clanking of pots and pans in the kitchen as he was making dinner. All the hairs on my body stood up at that point, and I called out "Dad?" and he replied "What?" from the kitchen. At this point I fully turned my body to face the doorway, still seeing "him" leaning against the wall in the manner he was. I panicked and was about to run out of the bathroom, then the image of my father disappeared and I felt a jolt go through my body, as if something had violently pushed through my chest, my knees buckled but I managed to just barely run into the kitchen. I told my father about this and he said "I told you not to read things like this, the more you notice them, the more they notice you". I felt an extreme depression for some time immediately after this event occurred, however the paranormal events continued.
Some nights I would be too afraid to sleep alone, but my mother was too afraid to let me sleep in the bed, as she felt whatever was going on was either following me or due to me. One of the nights she did let me into bed, things got particularly strange. She was lying with her back towards me, while I was lying down facing her back. It was a large queen-size bed, so there was plenty of space between us. I then felt something rubbing my ankle lightly. I asked my mother, "is that you?", "no" she replied. I then felt a tugging on the blanket and something went "Ahhh" as if sighing after lying down, coming from between my head and hers. I asked again, "was that you?", and instead of replying with yes or no, she got out of bed and said "let's go to the living room". I slept on one sofa while she sat in the other facing down the hallway, she says she stayed up all night watching down that hallway, wanting to protect me.
It was only a few years later, when I was around the age of 13, that my parents would separate, with my mother taking us to live across the ocean in Europe. The place we moved into also had frequent strange occurrences, one time while alone at home the shower turned on by itself in the bathroom. I mustered up enough courage to stand outside the bathroom door, but could not bring myself to open it. Instead, I grabbed the house phone (remember those lol) and left the apartment entirely, calling my mother from the hallway and asking her when she could come home, and if she could expedite her return. She returned after about 20 minutes, we both went into the bathroom and she turned the shower off by turning the nozzle. There was no explanation for how this could have occurred. One night during this period was especially memorable. I was asleep in my bed and dreamed that I was standing in a field at night, in front of a large tree-line that stretched from the left-most to right-most of my view, and saw a white speck in one of the trees towards the left. My vision kind of "zoomed in" on this, and revealed a tall, something like 7-8 feet, woman with white skin and white tattered robes, with white hair. She turned her head to look directly at me, my vision then zoomed in on her eye, it was the most distinct yellow iris. My vision then zoomed out completely back into my normal perspective, from which I saw that white speck quickly jump from tree to tree, until it was in the tree directly in front of me. My vision zoomed in yet again, I saw her get on her haunches in a "pouncing" position, and she jumped a great distance all the way from the tree she was in until she landed on my chest, at which point I instantly sat up awake in real life--only to see my mother standing in my room in the dark with the most bewildered look on her face. Still considering my experience to simply be a dream, and funnily not even being frightened by it, I only asked "what's wrong?". She replied with "nothing go back to bed".
The next morning in the car she said "I know what you saw in your dream last night". Amused, I asked her "what?", and she replied "you saw the white lady". I asked her how she knew, and she said, "Last night I woke up to a scratching noise on the tiles outside of your room, and when I looked out into the hall, there was a tall white lady dressed in all white standing outside your bedroom looking in on you. She then looked at me, and walked into your bedroom. I shot up out of bed and chased her, and she was gone, but you had sat up". There is no further explanation or detail to the story, but it was a markedly unique experience.
It was only two-to-three years later that I then went back across the pond to stay with my father for a while, and it is there that I discovered spiritual satanism, namely the Joy of Satan community and its older, primarily html website. I would frequently do the meditation to Thoth, pressing into my nail corner and creating the "th/bh" vibration with my mouth. At this stage I was admittedly heavily into the use of substances, having taken doses of strange psychedelics labelled as "acid" that would leave me tripping for sometimes up to three days without pause. During one of these experiences, the feeling of needing to burp would be constant, and whenever I would burp, the "wind-tunnel" sound effect would come out. I puked a clear watery liquid, then saw the Buddha appear in front of me holding two lotus flowers. After the Buddha appeared, that was when the tall shadow figures would once again make an entrance. They were everywhere, as if I was in some grand bazaar or marketplace filled with them, as if my world had collided with theirs somehow. They would lean over the bed and "into" my neck, speaking things like "hibiscus can be used to treat cancer", and "over-analysis leads to self-decline". I experienced an utter death of the ego, which was one positive, however the voices and shadows persisted beyond the duration of my trip. I was terrified that I had given myself drug-induced psychosis, and that I had permanently given myself mental illness. One morning, they would tell me "You are chosen, come meet with us", and flashed an image of a small area in the woods, and I had immediate knowledge of the location, in a very large public park. I proceeded to walk to the location, with the wind in my ear telling me "Yes, yes!". As I got to the edge of the woods, I thought to myself "what are you doing?" as I figured listening to voices in my head can lead me into dangerous situations, or cause me to get eaten by coyotes nonetheless. As I turned and began walking away, the wind began to scream into my ear, "No! No! Come back!". I ignored the voices and continued home, then saw a small ipod touch nano (remember those?) on the sidewalk in front of me. I picked it up, opened the music library, and every song was just those broken symbols when you write something that a machine doesn't have the typography to fill. I intended to listen to the songs on it, however I went to show my friend and, as I was way more distracted by all the stuff going on in my head, he stole it from me and never spoke of it, even when pressed.
This went on for about 9 months, and during this period I was in a constant state of fear. I could not even leave the house at night without seeing shadow-people moving everywhere, or things communicating in my head, or this electricity in the top-back of my head. I was terrified, and somehow realized that I could "close the door" by invoking some kind of god, in this case I chose "allah" as it was what I knew best. I knew I was willingly seeking out ignorance, but under the narrative that the borders and boundaries between worlds were protected for a reason, and, as evidenced by my constant state of fear, that perhaps they were justifiably closed, as I could barely even function normally in the world any longer due to incessant "noise". I would invoke this god and his protection every time I felt afraid or alone against beings that seemed greater than myself, and rather quickly all these experiences completely ceased. Forever. I have not had any contact since then, it is almost as if I've been completely closed off, despite having let go of the "tool" I used to barrier myself quite soon after it was effective. My use of substances did not stop, not until only three years ago, but any form of paranormal experience or communication has completely ceased.
In fact, I find it sometimes quite sad, that the world has become so "normal" and "material", though I am a natural philosopher with an open-mind, and, what is the purpose of this life, if not for the joy of having unique experiences? I'm not sure what question I would like to ask here, maybe I'm looking for any insight or shared experiences from this community, but it is the first time I have shared this story in a public setting, or even wrote it all down in text, as opposed to speaking verbally with close and trusted friends.
I don't know anything, but maybe you do.
Have patience with yourself.! Changing takes time
