I can't fucking stand it.
I've been consistently working hard and lifting weights in the gym. I'm still young enough to possibly break some personal records from the past and I'm wise and knowledgeable to know how train for it properly. I'm also wise enough to know the importance of consistency and dedication and all that.
I met a really good-looking "alpha male" in the gym. Really friendly guy. I befriended him. Me being a philosopher, I naturally engaged him into a deep conversation about philosophy and profound questions about life. That's just me. I learned he's a Christian and he invited me to attend his church. He introduced me to his family and so far, at that point, everything was fine. My social life was being rebuilt again, my philosophical mind gets nurtured through constant conversations with him and new friends, I'm making progress at the gym, I've even been training in Judo (a grappling martial art) for some weeks now.
But my Lord, the more I got to know him, the more I realized how stupid he fucking is. Reality gave me the harsh reminder of how, generally-speaking, absolutely fucking stupid Christians generally are. Looking around at the church and him introducing me to his friends, I also realized his friends are ridiculously stupid. There's no philosophical progress to be made talking to dumbass people. And unsurprisingly to many of you here, I couldn't fucking stand the pastor. He's a very charismatic and likeable guy, but his message on every sermon is the same, boring, rehashed shit than a million other pastors have talked about in their goofy ass churches for Satan knows how many damn decades in this country.
HP-Hooded Cobra was right. Before sending me off to fend for my own after heavily trolling this place, he stated how deep inside, because I got a taste of this place and its truth, this place's energy and overall message will linger in my memory and eat away at my heart and haunt me as I realize I abandoned the light when it showed itself to me in broad daylight.
Look, please realize I did do the dedication ritual many months ago. It's been almost a year, if I remember correctly. I think Satan is calling me back. My meaningless gym accomplishments have done nothing but rub on my failing ego. I'm sorry. The only reason why I resorted to trolling was that I was having an extremely difficult time believing how the spiritual practices here should be prioritized more than my powerlifting. And without a doubt, even though I'll still be dedicated with my powerlifting as it is one of my passions, I just can't stand the loneliness of it anymore. What good is a 500-pound squat and a 315-pound bench press when you are uncertain of your destination after your biological body expires? It just aggravated me.
I fucking give up. Please take me back. I will give the same degree of dedication to the meditations in here as my powerlifting training and Judo training. Fuck Xtians. They're stupid as hell. My friend thinks that the anti-christ written in Revelations will make an appearance among the Muslim community, and he believes he achieved enlightenment after his ex-girlfriend taught him some new age buddhist meditations.
I can't fucking stand those people. Please. I'm very sorry. Allow me to be here.
As for the guy here who successfully called me out on my incelhood (I forgot your name), sir you were spot on. Not 100% correct since I have had some experience dating some hot girls in past, but all those short-lived relationships were absolutely meaningless. Yeah, I'm an incel. People think I'm smart and confident but that's only because they're stupid-ass Christians. In truth, I am a lonely man. It is painful to admit but it's the truth.
Fuck everything. I'm a philosopher and I'm back to the Satanic path. It's the only damn thing that makes sense to me.
Please give me another chance. Please.