Most of us has or had problems, due to mind programming, traumas, imbalances... the list is long. So I do not think you are too different from many of us, me included, at the beginning of your journey here.
From your words it seems all is revolving arouns lack of self-worth or so, because you both say 1. you attempt to self-destroy yourself, that is a clear sign of self-hate or lack of self-worth, and 2. you feel the Gods will not accept you, obviously again because you have lack of self-worth. The key point is common. Even escapism can be related to this.
The main cause of those problems are often your Natal Chart (your Astrology), because planets like Saturn and mainly Neptune can cause this. Also, childhood or past lives traumas, that lead to similar problems. Also imbalances in your Soul, lack of energy and will, etc. There may be many reasons, that the Gods can clearly see at glance. They do jot judge you. They are same as a doctor, analyzing issues to be healed. Does the doctor judge his patient for being sick? No, he accepts every patient. Same with the Gods.
If you will Dedicate your Soul, you will be assigned a Guardian Demon who will start guiding you through the process of healing, if you desire so (often is is also automatic). Give yourself a few time after dedication, and you will be guided to fix your main problems, this is what happens in our path, together with Spiritual growth.
If you had to die, really, you would not be here.
