The fact that you do remember those facts, that are horrible and should never happen, is a sign you have a strong mind and you have been able to partially cope with that.
I express my sorrow for what happened to you. It may also come from previous lives. Many people do not even remember their abuses until late in life.
As you have trained since 5 years old to being abused (that is indeed what happened to you, physical and mental abuse) your mind took this as the standard behavior. I started overcoming those thought at the age of 20, and it took years, but I did not have any memory of the abuses at the time.
You have a bold courage by posting this here, I congratulate for your value.
Always remember what happened to you is NOT nor will ever be your fault. You were a kid, unable to defend, so all the guilt and shame is on account of the offender. NEVER the victim is responsible for such abuse, even if abusers will try to convince that it was you willing this. This is what they imbedded in your mind: that the problem is in you, because you look for abusers yourself. NOTHING CAN BE FURTHER FROM REALITY, NO HUMAN BEING HAS INNATE WILL TO BE SEXUALLY GROOMED BY AN ADULT SIMPLY BECAUSE SEX IS NOT PART OF CHILDHOOD. ADULTS OFFENDER DID THAT, ENSLAVING YOUR MIND.
ALL OF THIS CAN BE HEALED AND CORRECTED.
First of all, if you are a minor and you live with safe and trusted caregivers who did NOT abuse you, and the people who abused you are still around, you should report what happened to your caregivers (if trusted) or to the authorities. Facts are quite recent for you so you still have a chance to enact justice! If those pedophiles are still around you,m take all the measures you can to distance from them immediately. They can ruin entire lives and they are criminal offenders!. PUT YOURSELF IN A SAFE PLACE AND SITUATION ASAP!
I know this may be challenging. I know the sense of shame, guilt and low self worth that goes with all this. But there are good people around who can support you.
Don't be scared. If you don't take action, you may regret this later in life.
What is scary to you is fear of not being accepted, and believed. You may fear people will blame that on you. I know how it works.
If I ever had any change when I was a teen to remember and take action, I would have lived a much much better life. This happened late in life for me.
Please do not leave me with the thought that you will not take action NOW to prevent your life to sink. Don't waste your opportunity, don't waste yourself.
I assume you are Spiritual Satanist or at least interested in this. If you dedicated, ask guidance to your Guardian Demon and if possible for you, ask GD to find a good therapist to help you. You are young and you have all your life in front of you! You can still live a decent life and leave all that shit back. Don't neglect this as if you don't correct what is misleaded in your unconscious, your life may steer to dangerous and low-level directions.
If you are SS this would not happen, if you listen to the Gods guiding you. The Gods preserve us from ruin and bad life, as much as possible. If you wrote this post here it is a good sign you are consciously willing to recover, that is good!
This is the practical part.
If you meditate,
- Use MUNKA for repeated 40 or 90 days sessions, to reprogram your mind and break free from unwanted thoughts and pulses. This works, slowly with time.
- Detach your offenders with the Freeing your Soul meditation by cutting spiritual links to them-
- Clean and empower your chakras daily, and performe the Deep Cleaning meditation (FRTR + Visuddhi) from HPs Lydia that you find here on the forum.
