#204 How can I keep (or stay truly, in touch) with myself?

[AskSatanOperator]

Dear readers,

I would appreciate it if you had some advice for me.

For the past years I've struggled in my personal life with expectations and projections, vs my inner world. I don't know if I can explain it properly, but I will try.

I started off in a rough patch here, and the expectations that were put on me were that I had to have work and finish studies whilst I have been unable to truly connect with my inner self.
Sometimes those came from myself, like 'I want to be an awesome person and I have to do xyz', and push with that, or that having the expectation of having a 'normal job' and a house and be able to do what everyone else seems to be capable of doing, whilst knowing that this is not in line with what is going on in my inner world, and definitely not what in line with my capacities.
Multiple times I've felt that these normy expectations have been killing my soul and this has lead to escapeism tendencies.. wishing things were more interesting, dreaming of adventures, or just endless watching of anime.

This also reflected in how I approached meditations and workings and I want to change this.

I keep losing touch with myself, and instead of doing what I need to experience *now* and being strong in connection with myself, I keep getting pulled away into other things (sidetracked in a way you could say).

I even had a year where I was second guessing my interests, if they were truly what I desired to do or not, and if I was just interested in them because someone else did them (note: it was not that, it was because it interests me that I was desiring to do it in the first place. Talk about a mindfuck. lol)

Life does not feel fun, but more like an obligation, and I do kind of feel depressed about all this.

It is not/no longer a matter of survival. I need to get out of this because it is killing me and keeping me from myself and my potential.

I understand that I have to think outside the box of what is expected in a normal family life or a 9 to 5 job (also, why on earth did they popularize this? there have been plenty of jobs that did not stick to this schedule at all, even before the first films were ever shot.)

Please, do you have any advice for me?

 

[april]

For the past years I've struggled in my personal life with expectations and projections, vs my inner world. I don't know if I can explain it properly, but I will try.

this has lead to escapeism tendencies.. wishing things were more interesting, dreaming of adventures, or just endless watching of anime.

This is sadly very common in contemporary society. Many people will tell you to "grow up and be a man" but that does not help anything, it is just said to stroke their own ego.

Escapism is tough, every single one of us expresses those tendencies in one way or another.

Its best to analyze how it all started, did it all gradually fade to dissatisfaction with your life? Most of the time things like this are deeply tied to your traumas and past experiences that your subconscious tries to put under the rug, when it gets too much you trip over the rug and all of your past traumas manifest outwards into your feelings and behaviors.

It's important to realize that this is a valid issue to have, you should not be ashamed of yourself for feeling like you have no purpose in your life.

If you do not wish to consult a therapist (which I would always recommend), connecting with friends about this is also important, you can't leave this in yourself, your soul needs some fresh air—open up the windows a bit. (metaphorically)

Empowering your soul with meditation is also extremely important, please try the sun square, it will help (https://www.joyofsatan.org/Sun_Square.html)